A Mother's Woes

Sometimes I feel like I'm just not good enough.  No matter how hard I try I end up doing the very things I set in my mind not to do.  Losing my temper with my children seems to be a recurring event as they grow deeper into their teens, and all I want to be is the best mother I can be to both of my sons.

As my children so often to refer to my chosen method of communication, and as is so popularly coined when in reference to women who continuously speak their mind; I nag.  Am I proud of this? No.  Do I want to continue? Heck no!  But when I clearly communicate my expectations, and the matter of time in which I expect them to be followed, it irks me when I hear the constant excuses that my words were forgotten, or for that matter, not even heard... Every day?  Does the hearing mechanism in their ears only operate when I'm saying something they want to hear like, "Hey y'all want to go out to eat, or would you like a little money for your pocket?"

It is only when I become so frustrated with the daily recurrence of  a power struggle between my children and I, and then say something out of that frustration which causes my son's feelings to be hurt that I begin to feel  that maybe I'm just not good enough for my position.

Just last week my youngest son "ran away" after I told him to reclean all the mess he had left behind from his initial cleaning.  I remember telling him that I would prefer for any child of mine to leave versus not taking care of the small responsibilities that I give them while living in my home. This, of course, was not what I truly meant.  I could never see my sons living anywhere but with me while they are being raised, but it took a conversation with my husband for me to see that maybe he had interpreted my words the wrong way.

After saying this to my son he dropped what he was doing and began to walk out of the house.  At first with nothing, but then deciding to turn around and retrieve his phone.  A phone I quickly confiscated, reminding him that I still paid the bill.  He left in a huff and began the long walk out of our neighborhood in 90 degree weather.

I was hot on his trail. trying to give tough love, but at the same time having a protective mother instinct that immediately takes over whenever I feel one of my children would face even the slightest bit of danger.  I followed him for about a quarter of a mile until I noticed that he was becoming increasingly tired.  This is when I decided enough was enough and pulled up beside him so that he could see that I had been following him.  He chose to run from me, yelling that I only cared about myself; the same thing he had said on his way out the door.  I ignored this because I knew he was angry, and parked the car waiting, because I knew eventually he would turn around.  He did, and when he got back into the car he told me that if I really cared about him I would have never let him leave.  Oh, but how far from the truth he was.

When we got back to the house we had a long conversation about tough love, and I apologized if I had given him the wrong impression, and had been too hard on him.  I also made sure he knew that I was still mama, and had rules which I expected to be followed.  Our conversation ended well, as we both reached a better understanding of how the other operates.

I can only hope now that my 16 year old is mad at me, he and I can come to the same understanding.  If only there was an instruction book on how to raise teen-aged boys out there, it would be a number one seller, and I would be first in line for my copy.

Woe is me...

What Hate Looks Like

What does hate really look like? For me, growing up in a Christian household, hatred always tended to look like red horns with a demonic face.  Hatred was evil, born straight from the father of lies.  Hatred was the devil.

Whatever it may look like personally to you, it is real, it is here, and it comes in many forms.  In the spirit realm, it has existed since before man was created.  This we learn through the story of Lucifer, one of God's highest angels, who came to know hate through his desire to take God's place. His prideful lust for The Creator's throne resulted in him being cast out of heaven by the very God he was trying to be. But hatred, thankfully does not follow mankind through the birth canal in the process of labor.  No, we come into this world not caring about the differences between one person from the next.  The ignorance, bound in hatred, is a learned character trait passed down through generations as a way of boosting the human ego.

It is natural in any man or woman to want to feel more secure in themselves.  Some people go about this by reaching for higher career goals, or buying a whole new wardrobe.  Some even find a deeper level of security in their religious beliefs, and lessons of encouragement they receive as a result.  Yet there are others who have been taught that security comes from the belief that they are superior to someone else based off of their differences.

America as a whole has learned to put on a pretty mask.  We parade around in an effort to cover our true feelings and call it being "politically correct."  We practice our curtsy and give an esteemed bow to keep up a show for this masquerade ball of a nation.  We do this until something so drastically historic happens that it ruffles our feathers, and lifts the mask right off the faces of the hateful.  Historic happenings such as the election of the nation's first Black president, which happened nearly eight years ago, but yet has netted a drastic amount of ignorance which has been swelling for so long that it has been pricked to the point of explosion.

Being politically correct, even in the media, has somehow become  a thing of the past.  Bill O'Reilly, a journalist with his own nightly show, has made claims that Black Americans are "ill educated," and apparently they also have tattoos on their foreheads.  I also remember that there was a point in time where he claimed that Black Americans were responsible for the nation's level of violence.  While admittedly there are some people who are Black and do those things, it is also true that the same can be said about people in other races.

It is a sad thing when someone who has such influence on the nation, can take his platform and use it to display his ignorance so boldly.  He is only one of the many.  Time after time we have been exposed to hatred through slanderous words, and even acts of violence.  The terrorist attacks of 9/11, and more recently the shootings in an Orlando night club where 50 people were killed. show how hate can infect the human mind and permeate the outcome of other's lives. This recent attack has been said to be the deadliest mass shooting in the United States and the worst terrorist attack since September of 2001. and it was all driven by, and laced in hate.

One thing I know about hate is that it always comes to steal your mind, kill your existence, and destroy your destiny.  Never have I seen a hateful person walk around daily with hearts filled with utter delight.  They are drenched in their negative emotions, and search miserably for how they can inflict their ignorance on the one's they feel more superior to. It is a heavy burden that I choose not to bear.  Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."  If you need proof of this, keep tuning in to your nightly news.