The Leaning Post

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 Today, in church, I witnessed something few of us pay attention to. The weight of burden on my pastor’s shoulders had come to the point of almost unbearable. It was a gut-wrenching blow to my consciousness to see the man we all lean on for strength and council, plus constant encouragement, be broken in that manner.

My mind raced with thoughts of what it was I could do. Pray, was what he asked of us, and yes, I could most certainly do that.

I reflected on these past few months after losing my job, and going through my own personal struggles in life. I saw how when my son was in trouble, after his father and I did our part to help bring him out of it, the next person we thought to lean on was our pastor; my son included.

When I went to him, he smiled, and made himself available to my son, fully expecting for him to do his part and reach out to him, so he could be there. He says these things not just in word, but I have seen with my own eyes how he’s made himself available to myself and my family, counseling us whenever we need. And what have we done? That was my question. What have we done to help carry the weight of the load on this one man’s shoulders?

I racked my brain through the years that my family and I have been members of this church. Sure, we helped and paid our tithes, but were our efforts enough? Because if that were true, why is it that we still allow for him & his family to carry the bulk of the load?

On the drive home, I was hit with a vision of a leaning post. This was how I imagined my pastor must have felt on that pulpit, pouring his heart out to us. Every day people pass by a leaning post expecting it to do its job with no thanks (or even help) required. And every day, that post is just where it is expected to be, doing the job it is expected to do, never bending under the pressure, and most certainly will not break. At least that’s what others think.

Sometimes we forget, our pastors are people too. Commissioned for a great assignment, yes, but still in need of lifting up just as we do.

 The Leaning Post

Set in the middle

Of a busy passage way 

Was a post 

Built solely for the purpose

For which those who grew weary 

Could lean

Daily they passed him

By-and-by

Using him to ease their pain

And bring comfort to their many aches

Always pulling

The strength from his strength 

Taking from him for themselves 

All there was for them to take

The reliable leaning post

Never gave in

Not once bending

Under the stress of their weight

Even as chips of his luster 

Over time

Began to fade away

Often over used

But rarely ever not needed

He weathered all storms 

Looking all but worn

Save those chips from his paint

Which patterned with age

As time moved on

The people, they watched & watched

As those chips took form

Waiting for him to give way

Yet, something in him, they could not see

Prevented the leaning post

From shattering 

Under the depths of all their weight

He was anchored down

Roots bearing deep 

Deep into the solid ground

Streams of power chords

Running through his veins

They reached up

All the way up

To the source of Light

Shining at the head of his base

It wasn’t until 

The earth came alive

And one day began to shake

The leaning post rooted

So deeply and still

Could not stand 

Under its ravenous quake

When all things were cleared

And folks came back 

To meet in the street

The old leaning post

They saw, what was to be

The oddest sight they’d ever seen

The leaning post

Which each depended on

Had itself began to lean

They all looked around 

Wondering how

He would get back to 

Giving them a place

To lean

One by one

All went on home

Until the street

Where the old leaning post

Now, himself leaned, 

Became empty 

Save for the lone post

Being all that there was to be seen

Returning with tools of their own

To rebuild his towering strength 

Each person worked diligently

Until his paint shined 

With a lustrous sheen 

Together they toiled

Helping the post stand up tall

And polishing the outer layer 

Until the leaning post

No longer leaned 

Thank you Pastor, for being our leaning post.

More Than the Sum of A Few Chosen Parts

Picture provided by: www.etsy.com

A friend of mine recently posted on social media something that triggered a memory for me; more so, a thought which used to cross my mind back when I was in school as a student, and then as a teacher. 

I used to wonder why during Black History Month we were only taught one part of our history. I wondered why “they” only shined us in the light of slavery, and not much else. 

Everything we did was born from it, as if that part of our past was where we started. I remember how, as a teacher, it used to piss me off to read all of the richness in our history through my own research, and then see a minute part of that in our school books. Even in seeing the part outside of slavery, those things were “conveniently” left out of the curriculum. Glazed over as if they had never happened. 

What’s worse, is eventually, at least in my particular school district, the curriculum had moved so far away from studying Black History, the students didn’t even know there was a month to celebrate it. My heart was broken the day I was asked by one of my students, “What’s Black History Month?” It was a punch in the gut to know the contributions we gave to the building of this nation, had once again become a non-factor in the minds of our future generations. One which risked being passed down through time to those who choose to repeat history instead of learning from it.

I am of the mind where everyone’s history should be celebrated, and not just in a month which happens to be the shortest one of the year. History is being made all around us. It is a 365 day a year job. No one race should dominate the statutes of its making because no one race is responsible for it alone. 

 To leave any one race out of the making of history, whether it be good or even bad, is to do a disservice to the citizens of the world. Don’t hide the shame; expose it for what it is. Don’t hog the glory, because you are pirating that which rightfully belongs to someone else. A full cover-up of true events can only be masked for so long before it all gets exposed as lies. 

History, up until this point, has been full of lies. White-washed, and hidden to save face for those who took part in its painful and vile operations. This month the nation celebrates what black people know should be recognized all year round. 

Pay attention to the facts you learn, and even as the Bible states, research those facts for yourself. Learn what truly happened & use the knowledge to go forward and do better. Learn that this world cannot function on the sum of a few parts, but only on the contribution of all working together, do we succeed. 

 

Children of Man

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Last night, in the kitchen with my oldest son, I realized for the first time all of the emotions my mother fought so hard to get me to understand back when I was his age.

Life is truly a balance when you become a parent. You want to see your children experience all of the good, give them all of the best gifts, and protect from any harm you ever personally knew, plus more. Yet, you also want to prepare them for the fact that the harshness in reality is very true, and in your raising process, you hope to armor them enough to withstand it. 

Like me, my oldest sees the conditions in which he feels we allow for our younger son to take advantage. Also like me, my eldest feels that it is his place to vocalize his objections in the way we parent.  He does this with full intention of what he feels he is offering us in the manner of help, but not realizing that as the actual "experienced" parents in the household, we know what we are doing, as well as what we deal with.

In my late teens, and early twenties, I consistently filled my mother's ear with how lazy and selfish my younger sister was.  Being that I was her sister, I thought it gave me every right to make judgements on how my mother should raise, and respond to her. In the heart of my thinking, I felt I had every right because, I mean hey, I was her sister, and the only one who loved her as much as my mother did....

I was so wrong.

Its funny how, when we enter adulthood, we come with the mentality of a know-it-all, and nothing anyone else says, or does, can convince us different. Life has a way of circling back though.  It will push the reality of truly not knowing a thing about it, without experience, in your face with a vengeance.

In the kitchen, as I sat and listened to my son complain about his little brother, and tell me how we allow for him to take advantage of us, for a moment, I was my mother.... Hurt. Not from feeling taken advantage of, but from someone outside of me and my husband's two-parent arena, speaking poorly about our child. 

When it comes down to it; no matter what they do, your children will always hold a place in your heart few can only dream to touch.  There is love, indeed, to be shared with everyone, but the type of love for a child runs well past the one you have for sister or brother.  It is one which will have you risking hell and high water to see them provided for, and safe. One which can only be compared in a much smaller sense, to God's love for us. It never ends, it never fails, is long-suffering, and will never give up the hope that what has been invested will yield a great return.

That is how my mother sees my little sister, and hearing me say anything derogatory about her, pained her heart, just as it did mine when I listened to my older son in the kitchen last night. 

As a parent, I would love to teach my children, and have them learn about life the easy way.  I would love for them to take what my husband and I have to say from experience, then go out and make better choices as a result. But, what I've learned in living, is that there is no better teacher than life itself. It is only through experience we gain the 20/20 hindsight we all long to see. 

I've given up trying to make my children understand what it is to be a parent.  I will even have to take a backseat on trying to make them see what it means to be an adult. Those things will come eventually.  They will each have their day in the kitchen with their own sons or daughters.  The light will come on inside their heads, their hearts will ache for the sake of their seed, and their eyes will open to the words repeatedly preached to them by each of their parents. 

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Wow!  Thank you Mama.... You put up with stubborn old me. 

The Empty Glass is Overflowing

In constant process

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Of being poured out

And then again renewed

A circulation of rhythm

Always connected 

To a source that doesn't end

Never in danger

of lack in anything

No hollowed vacancy from

Any drought

Even while it is ever leaning

Continuously spilling all within

Just as soon as it is emptied

It is full yet again

The empty glass is overflowing

Refreshing everything in its path

And while it is yet

Ever still pouring

None have seen the bottom

Of the empty glass

When asked by those

Void to understand;

"How is it that you can

Pour so freely

All the contents you possess?

And not know our emptiness?'

The glass responds

"Well, its easy,

When I pour

I make more

Room to be filled up yet again,"

Perplexed the skeptics

Could not see

How this would work for them

And as if hearing 

The unasked question

The glass said, 

"No, it won't be the same

Not for you.

"Your containers, have been filled

Far too long.

The contents, they have staled

You held so tight

To what you had

It rusted out & failed

To give refreshment to anyone.

Yes, sadly even you

Because, anything you're given

Then hold back

Can never again

Be renewed."

Sinking

"When all around me is sinking sand, on Christ the Solid Rock I stand...." 

I look to my left and I'm stumbling 

I look to my right and I've been knocked back

I look down and I'm falling 

When I finally look up I see how far it is I've yet to go. 

The cycles of a hard life 

Up and down like a rollercoaster; 

Feeling unworthy to even feel 

What is there to grieve over 

When I'm still eating? 

Still healthy? 

Still clothed? 

Still fed? 

Still cared for? 

Still living? 

I battle it out every day 

With my own self 

Today, it is my worst enemy 

Last night I cried like a new born baby 

For what? 

I could not yet lay my finger on 

Not even to point at one particular reason 

There are many 

I don't often envision death: 

Understanding when hard times come 

When we are sinking through life 

Death, as an escape, is always a fleeting thought 

But, last night 

As I stared out of my window, 

Into the glow of the moon, 

Bouncing from waters 

Illuminating fountains 

That vision of loveliness 

Set to be taken in 

Its beauty absorbed 

Was not what I could see 

No, 

I saw a gun, 

Fully loaded 

Ready 

Pointed right at me

With the forefinger of my right hand 

Gripping the trigger 

It willfully pulled 

The rush of escape flooded all around me 

Fleeing in my last breath 

The tingle of freedom 

The moment of rescue from this 

This thing called life 

For a fraction of a minute 

I was okay with that 

A moment longer than fleeting 

Rested well with me 

But... 

Then a rush of pressure

Clamped down in my head 

The tears running freely down my cheeks

Alerted the sinuses within me 

They stood up & rebelled  

Tightening the ropes of revolt 

Against my nostrils 

Taking charge, and stealing away my air 

The pulse of my heart pounded 

An aching reminder 

Flowing through my system 

And into my eyes 

Reaching its destination 

At the center of my thoughts 

The throbbing wage of war 

Took full affect 

Convulsing through my limbs 

Taking over my body 

The song of battle stole my attention 

And I woke from my stupor of nothingness 

Suddenly reminded of my desire 

To catch hold of my breath 

I hurt.... 

But if death felt like this, 

I wanted no parts of it 

NO! 

I wanted to live! 

So, that's what I did

"When I need a shelter; when I need a friend, I go to The Rock." 

  photo provided by: www.stock.adobe.com

21 Years

The number twenty-one. It is how long some studies show in days, that it takes to practice anything enough for it to become habit. An instant change in the way people conduct their daily lives can be wrapped up in less than a full month. 

Twenty-one years. I was that old when my father stepped back into my life on a more permanent basis. At first I struggled with believing he would stick around; but he did. And although we had a number of bumps along the way, he never left me alone. 

 I was gifted twenty-one more years with him before he left this world and entered the next. In April,on the second day of the month, at 2:00a.m., in the year 2019, at exactly one-half and one month of my life; me and my father's chapter of togetherness ended. God gave me time to say good-bye. It wasn't easy, but it was a gift. I was spared from the outcome of the shock in a sudden death of a parent. Still, although I had time to prepare, there was no clue in my head of how I would go about burying him. I just didn't know how to do it, let alone want to. 

In the years my father and I had consistently spent together, I had grown so close to him. His raspy voice, coarse from years of smoking, was also crowned in what could have easily been mistaken for a lion's roar. Yet it held for me a sense of security. I knew I could count on being his "little girl" who he wanted to protect from even the most darkest of days. He had become my hero; someone I believe every woman should have in her first example of how to be loved. 

Finally, I had received what was a never-ending search over a lifetime of disappointment. Oh how I miss my daddy. I fight myself not to grieve, trying and continually failing to be a strong tower. The question has always been.... "How can I miss him SO much when he didn't raise me?" Am I even worthy of the pain in my heart; the same held by those whose fathers had departed this earth as well, but had also raised them since birth?

 I've recently learned that, along with the many other acronyms, short hands, or message slangs, the number twenty-one means "to quit," as in done, or over. Maybe God knew I would get all I had been searching for in my life prior to, inside the span of twenty-one years. It certainly changed me, my outlook on life, men, relationships and the constant search for approval from others who were not my father. 

 I've learned to appreciate the man beyond his faults. The man who gave me his heart and sensitivity. The man who, despite never being grand in stature, carried himself like a mountain. The man who was so intelligent, he was the first in his family to be accepted into college, and excel there during a time when segregation & the country's biggest blot called racism, thrived in & through our legal system. The man who was so brave, he left college to fight on the very front line in infantry, combating against those set to kill him, while saving the lives of his fellow men at arms along the way. The man whose brave acts during war earned him the honors of the Bronze Star & Purple Heart. The man who gave love so freely, the outer core of his heart had to be fortified to keep it from breaking. 

 I would say I'm better now. As a person; as a woman. Under the divine orchestration of God, into the stretch of twenty-one years, I have finally found what I had been looking for. Thank you Daddy.

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World (Pt. 2)

She reminisced on how her eyes lit up, and the sparkle of their brown embers would shine when the sun hit them at just the right angle, whenever she noticed him coming her way. Because of how often she walked with her head hanging low enough for her chin to almost graze her clavicle, no one seemed to notice them. They were the gift her father left behind that she held like a treasure. They were the window to her nightly visits to see him in the mirror while repeating her mantra. Jared noticed them too. He used to stare into them while they sat on the steps connecting the playground to the school building. It was like he could read into her deepest thoughts through them, and actually liked what he was reading. Sasha was tired. She had been on her feet all day restocking books since it was kindergarten learning day in the library’s lobby. While she loved to watch the children learn & to help them even more so by directing them to the books which suited their own personal interest, those little boogers did no more seem to know how to put away the literature that came flying off the shelves in their wake, than a dog could explain what exactly he wanted for dinner each night. Jared, whose mother had passed away while they were still in grade school, still came by to check on his father who had grown frail in the years since his wife’s car accident. For reasons no one could explain, he began to drift away from life, first with a significant weight loss, and then the inability to care for his day-to-day needs on his own. Jared had hired a home nurse to take care of him when he went off to college, and after he got his medical degree, he was able to help out as well. It was there where she saw him, climbing out of his black sedan, and headed toward his father’s apartment door. His gait was that of a man with confidence. He seemed to flow in slow motion from his car to his dad’s front door. It reminded her of the way former president Obama strolled through the streets while the camera man followed to gather every image of him before he hopped into an awaiting vehicle. He was in no rush, and she appreciated his strides of leisure. How she loved to watch him walk. “Jared?” She called out to his back as if she didn’t know that it was indeed him. “Is that you?” A smile spread across her face as joy set in and replaced the sulk of weariness that was once there. He turned to her with a dazzling smile across his face. He had recognized her voice, and was happy to see her. They came together and embraced. She filled her nostrils with the scent of his cologne. “Sasha, how have you been?” The baritone in his voice was soothing medicine to her ears. Jared pulled back only enough to hold her close and take in every fragment of her lovely features. There was an innocence still captivated in the embers of her eyes. He had never told her how much in love with them he was. When they were growing up, he would fantasize about swimming in their mesmerizing depths. She allowed him the pleasure only for a moment longer before she looked down, hiding them under the curtains of her lashes. A soft laugh escaped her lips as her face lit up with a smile. He couldn’t help but laugh along with her. The time they spent catching up in the yard between the buildings where they had grown up, seemed to fill in the spaces of her life that she never knew were empty. When she finally dawned the door to her apartment, the dinner Mama had made for her sat cold on the dining room table. The shower water was running, and the steam made slow dances in the glow of light under the door. Mama was getting ready for bed. Sasha krept past the bathroom door and made her way into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She collapsed onto the bed and sighed deeply, clutching her chest and staring up at the ceiling. Eventually her lids became heavy to heavy to hold open. They began to flutter closed and within minutes she was swept away into the blissful fantasies of her dreams. After their first meeting, she began to see Jared on a more regular basis, leaving many dinners on the kitchen table sitting cold. Sasha couldn’t remember a time in her life where she had laughed so deep, or felt so light. She had become the butterfly, creatures for whom she had always admired. They were mobile paintings in the sky. The finest sense of artistry simulated with every flap of their lovely wings. The only other man who had ever come close to warming her heart, and making her feel as though she could fly, was her father. Time had a tricky way of messing with her. It stood still, sped up and slowed down, all seemingly within the same moment. This was she and Jared’s relationship all wrapped into one. Mama had taken notice, and didn’t know whether to feel slighted by her only child, or happy that she had finally found a love all her own. She worried now about her place in Sasha’s life. Where would she fit in when the two built a world around themselves and closed everyone else out? It was bound to happen. The story was nothing new. She and her husband had enjoyed that kind space away from everyone when they built their own island of love. All they could see was each other. Just as sure as there is joy though, there is most definitely pain which follows. If only Sasha could be spared the type of pain Mama had known. She would sacrifice her life to protect her from it. Losing her father at a young age had taken such a toll on her mind and her heart. Now, she was able to spread her wings and finally embrace the possibilities of life’s best. All was going well for Sasha, and she was blissfully ignorant of the fact that she was being watched. The prying eyes had been following her and Jared’s every move for the last two months, waiting for the opportunity to get back at her for what she had done. For almost fifteen years she had lived with the torment caused by Sasha. Now was the time for her to show just how much pain she had caused. It was finally time for her to pay for breaking up her family. Maddy-Grace adjusted on her haunches, massaging her legs until the blood began to circulate through them again. The needle points prickling through her skin were becoming unbearable, but she did not want to move an inch for fear of being noticed. Her body inched deeper into the brush she used to camouflage herself. If they held onto each other for much longer, she was sure her cover would be blown, simply by the sheer disgust she felt every time Jared’s hand crept around Sash’s waste. That should have been her he was embracing. It was just another sign that Sasha was owed what was coming to her. After all, it was her father who had broken up the family she so cherished. Before he came along and stole her mother away, her world was perfect. All of those years ago, Maddy-Grace’s mom decided she was no longer happy being a wife to her father, and a mother to her only little girl. They had been the best of friends, and she never left her mother’s side. If her mother wanted to get her hair done, Maddy-Grace was sitting under the dryer next to hers. If she wanted to lunch with friends, Maddy-Grace had a seat at the table too. Even when her parents had date nights on the couch, they would invite their only child to sit between them under the blankets and watch a movie until they all dropped off to sleep. Those days were well behind her now. The last memory she had was her mother climbing into the passenger side of an old red truck, never looking back to see the single tear pouring down the cheek of her only child. She watched until the old truck disappeared with Sasha’s father sitting at the wheel. She didn’t understand it then, but now she knew for sure; their selfishness was what caused her whole life to go into a tailspin, and since neither was around any longer, it only left one person to pay the cost. Every time she looked into Sasha’s face, she saw that of her father’s, like he took the face which belonged to him, and left it with her as a parting gift. Pic provided by: favim.com