The Corona Chronicles (Reflections)

Poem provided by: frequentlyinterrupted.com


Last night I had a dream about my father's little sister, the aunt for which I was named (middle, not first name).  She used to be cool to me. I liked that even though my father had alienated himself from most of his siblings, she was still one of the few who popped in to check on him; at least before he got sick.

Being quarantined allots you plenty of time to reflect on life.  It was around this time last year that I lost my father. On April 2nd at 2:00 A. M., he took his last breath. My cousins, who had been sitting with him through the night to help out his caretaker, called screaming into the phone what I already knew.  I sat straight up in my bed, not knowing whether to join them in wailing, or keep a focused mind so that I could get the details I needed to begin making arrangements for his funeral.  I chose the latter, because though my heart was hurting, I couldn't allow those feelings to cloud my thoughts.  Besides, at that moment, Daddy didn't need me wailing.  What good was that?  It served to accomplish nothing but to put off time making plans for his final resting place.

In his final weeks, I took visits down to Louisiana to be with him, and see about his needs. I remember it being one of the most stressful moments of my life.  On top of taking care of Daddy, I had to deal with his family and their many questions on what I was going to do, as well as their many "suggestions" on what they thought I should do.

One time in particular replays itself in my head over and over, and I have to fight continuously not to hold this moment as a reason to resent the aunt for whom I'd been named. I had just driven in, and the trip had taken longer than expected.  Whether it was traffic or construction, I can't remember, I just know it had taken me five hours. As soon as I walked in to sit at my father's bed, she asked me if I knew anything about large sums of money he typically hides around the house. She said that she and my other aunt had been up all night looking for it. 

I thought the question was odd, seeing as how I'd never known my father to hide large sums of money anywhere. Also, at the time, it didn't matter to me. If he did have money, he made sure to keep it on his person or in the bank.  Besides that, he lived on a fixed income since he had long passed the age of retirement.

I noticed that this so-called money seemed to be her full concern throughout my visit. On occasion I would catch her staring at me out of the sides of her eyes as if she thought I was hiding something myself. For me, it was a shame.  My main focus was not on any kind of money, but on my father, who was dying right before our eyes. He was in so much pain, our conversations could barely be heard over his cries.  Any time we needed to say something important, we had to step outside on the porch. This is where my aunt and I had our biggest face-to-face confrontation.

I was tired from days of nonstop worry, work, and questioning from my family about my father's final arrangements.  I didn't have the security of my husband or children being there to help me, so in my mind, it was just me against my own flesh and blood. I thanked God every day for Daddy's caretaker.  She was the only one I felt really had his best interest at heart without a personal agenda.  She willingly helped without asking for anything in return.  For that, she was more family to me than my own.

One day, angered by my aunt's gall in her insinuations about where I should be giving his life insurance money, I told my aunt that I was here, taking care of him when I had not received the same while growing up.  As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back, but her words kept my apology at bay. A quick flash of how I was just at my father's bedside, whispering how I would never leave him, after everyone else had left the room, played out in me mind. She kept telling me that he was my responsibility because I was his next of kin, as if I didn't already know that.  What got me, was how she refused to do anything for her brother but sit at his death bed and say how he was getting what he deserved after the life he lived.  Even as he lay there crying out in pain, she refused to learn how to administer his morphine because she didn't want to learn.  My father could hear every word.  She was under the impression that he didn't understand, but he did.  I knew this because when everyone had left, and it was just he and I, when I spoke, he replied.

After I let those dreaded words fall out of my mouth, she told me I needed to just get over it.  I told her I was, but I wanted her to know that despite my past, I had chosen to take care of my father, hoping this would help her see that nothing about what money he had kept me coming around, it was just him and our relationship.

This morning I dreamed about that exact moment on the porch with my aunt, except this time, I really let her have it.  It seems after confrontation we always look back and see what we could have said differently, and it typically bends to the side of really going off on the other person.  I woke up from the dream feeling vindicated.  After all, just before my father's funeral services my aunt had threatened my mother, telling her that if she ever were to set foot in Crowley she would cut her legs off. Mama was so shocked, because she thought they were friends. I later learned from my father's other sisters that this particular aunt had always been a bully.

Even after the funeral she continued to spread lies about me; going so far as to say I lived off my father and was a party girl.  The notion was so hilarious; no one believed it. But the knowledge of the threat to my mother didn't make me treat her any differently during the services.  I personally handed her Daddy's obituary.  She took it, and then introduced me to other members of the family I didn't know.  I could tell by the look in her eyes, she felt ashamed.  There was no need in me adding to it.  Besides, the Bible speaks very clear about how to handle people like my aunt, and though I may have been very angry, I wasn't going to allow her to have the power to ruin my father's final life celebration.

All of the drama, and wondering what I was going to do with my father's life insurance money; an inheritance he left solely to me, did not bring him back.  He had suffered a horrible death, by the end, his caretaker said his moans had gotten so loud, his body so weak, right before he took his last breath she whispered in his ears that it was okay for him to let go.  He had been forgiven and made right with God. The last of his blood poured from his colon, soaking the bed and causing his frail frame to seemingly collapse to nothing.   It was only then he let out a long drawn out exhale, and left the defeated shell of the man he used to be. He was gone, and no longer in pain.  Of that, I was relieved.

Daddy wanted to be cremated, and though I was against it, I honored his wish. I made a promise to myself that one day I would bury him in the place he'd always longed to go back to, and I will;  just not yet. For now my father is still with me, while I prepare in my heart to give his ashes to the place he loved.  I don't know what it was about Fort Worth, Texas that captured his allegiance, but its where he wanted to be, so I'll honor that wish too.

As for Daddy's family, I'll love them from a distance while I tend to my own for now. When all was said and done, I never asked them for a dime to bury my father. All those worries they had about how I would take care of everything were for nothing.  God put in my path many who didn't even know my father, but were willing to help me prepare to say good-bye. I thank them for that.  Most importantly, I thank God for his provision, because I never thought I'd have the strength to bury a parent without it.

The Corona Chronicles (Pt. 1)

photo provided by abc12.com


World-wide pandemics are nothing new. The world is paying attention now because we are in the middle of yet another one. This one is an enemy we knew would come, but did little to prepare for.

Lockdown for the United States began on March 23rd, 2020. The "year of vision" quickly became one that was suddenly so cloudy we could not see a clear way out. Questions quickly swirled among citizens about how we could not have known the seriousness behind the deadly COVID-19 spread before it got out of hand? 

There have been many viruses throughout the ages, but the one most resembling today's was what American's called "The Spanish Flu" of 1918.  The word "Spanish" is in parenthesis because historians are unclear whether the disease even got its start in any Latin countries.  It is widely believed to have started right here in the United States at a military base during the time of World War 1.  An army private on a Kansas military base exhibited signs of the flu, and by the end of the day, 100 soldiers on the same base had fallen ill as well.

When it was all said and done, 500 million people were infected world wide, and the death toll was approximately 54 million.  This was a third of the world's population at the time.  It is known as the deadliest virus in recent history, and even then, the American government was eager to get back to what they believed to be "normal."

Before the Corona virus breakout, the world knew of the seriousness a virus like the flu could cause, but its a definite possibility that they thought our government, the CDC, and modern technology had a better handle on it. There was a quarantine back then as well, and people became restless with time not spent making money to support their families, and being confined to their homes.  Not only that, but businesses struggled to stay afloat, and the economy suffered tremendously. 

The affect of the "Spanish Flu" on the American economy may have even been a contributing factor to the Great Depression in the early 20th century. After all, in order to keep the economy stimulated, workers have to work, earn money, and then pour that money back into society so our country can continue to operate successfully.

Life today is reflecting history, not only in the rapid spread of the disease, and the rising death toll, but also in the government's eagerness to save the economy.   Trey Hollingsworth, a Republican government official, has been reported to have said that he'd much rather save the American economy than to save more lives because it was the "lesser of two evils." And now, just as then (in 1918) government is getting set to reopen businesses previously closed during quarantine, at limited access.

The fear is, will our outcome be the same?  Will the virus mutate in this reopening and affect even more people than it did at the beginning? It all remains to be seen. America's death toll has already surpassed the projected number, and during the time of the "Spanish Flu" government noticed the curve start to flatten, got excited, open the country before the virus totally went away, and lost in greater mass than before.

We are now in a position where history is repeating itself, and we have not learned from it. How can an economy be stimulated if its workers are sick, or dead? A warning in the words of Sir Winston Churchill should not be taken lightly in this case.  "This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps the end of the beginning." We are just getting started. March 23rd, 2020 to now was only the practice run.

Poetic Love

picture provided by: www.darkreading.com

I want a Poetic Love

Yeah, that's what I want

The kind that makes you toss

And turn at night

Then snuggle into security

That once in a life time opportunity

To connect with someone on a level so deeply

I am set free

More free than an innocent man,

Locked up, and wrongly accused

But the injustice system turns on itself,

Behaving justly, and setting that innocent man loose

Oh, what a feeling, oh so sweet!

I want that feeling for me

A love that never fails like Corinthians 13

And covers a multitude of my flaws

As if they'd never been seen

Wrapping its arms around my weaknesses

To give them strength

Succulently seasoned

Like Heaven on earth

A demonstration of how Christ

Gave away all His selfish desires

For His bride

The church

A Poetic love that will flow

Through the cascades of time

Loyally refusing to leave my side

History Repeats

Picture provided by: creationok.com/the-fall-of-man/

'There is nothing new under the sun.  What has been done will be done again.  History merely repeats itself.'  These are the words of King Solomon, considered to be the wisest man who ever lived, written in the book of Ecclesiastes verse 1:9 of the Bible.  I pondered on this as I sat and watched a documentary hosted by Duck Dynasty's patriarch, Phil Robertson, called Torch Bearer.

In this film, which premiered at the Cannes film festival last year, he brings to light the debauchery resulting from mankind's own self focus.  The film shows us a time line of warfare, and the fall of man, dating back to:  Adam and Eve, The Roman Empire, Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, the genocide of the Jews during Hitler's rule, the Civil Rights Movement, and on into the recent wars we've suffered through in today's society.

Sitting on the sofa, in my living room, with my family and watching this documentary,  I realized the things I see on the nightly news today should not necessarily be so shocking that they are burdensome to my inner peace.  Looking over time shows these things are to be expected because man has not changed since the beginning of his fall. Phil Robertson said that "man left to himself begins to turn inwardly and eventually becomes his own god." I remembered then, a book I read about the life of Adolf Hitler, who was raised by a strictly religious mother, but eventually grew away from the faith he had been guided to follow, and claimed himself to be the "Messiah," at the height of his rule.

Adolf Hitler truly believed himself to be a sort of divine being simply because he was a man who had no one to contest him in his proclamation.

In the Garden of Eden, Eve believed she could eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and know as much as God in Heaven. In other words, though God had strictly forbidden she and Adam not to eat the fruit of this tree, she wanted to be her own type of god by following her own desires.  She too, did not have Adam to contest her decision to commit the first sin, therefore; setting in motion the process of mankind's consistent downward spiral.

Osama Bin Laden felt he was actually doing the work of God by eliminating as many American lives as his resources allowed during the attack on the two towers of the World Trade Center, and the Pentagon on September 11th, 2001. Having much support from his followers in a terrorist group called the Al Quaida, Bin Laden felt uncontested in his deadly efforts.  By taking it upon himself to determine the fate of many American lives, and saying they no longer mattered enough to continue living, he made himself into a sort of god.

We honor people like Christopher Columbus with a holiday set aside to remember his contributions, as if he were some sort of hero.  If you really take a look at Mr. Columbus, and the evils he committed, which have been deliberately swept under the rug, you will see that he was not a person of such honorable character.  Yes, indeed Columbus decided to become his own type of god in a sense, and determine the destiny of the natives living in America at the time of his "so-called" discovery. He went as far as to kill infant children by taking them by the legs and bashing their bodies against the stones. We all know that America was overtaken by Columbus and his country, even after being given a welcome to come in and share from the natives.  They believed no land should be owned by man because it belonged to everyone.   In history it is said that the land was colonized with his arrival, but how is a country colonized when there are already citizens who have established the it?

Its been said in every generation from old to young, children no longer respect the authority given to help keep them in line.  My mother told me this, and now I tell it to my own children.  I want to ensure they don't adopt the "entitlement" attitude I see demonstrated in many of the students at my school, because I know where it can lead.  As a whole, we need discipline, and that need doesn't go away when we become adults. If we are not held accountable to our actions, we are liable to eventually self-destruct.

There are many in this world who have the potential to self-destruct, though they may not have done the things identical to the aforementioned people in this article. Those who would rather weed out the ones in their lives who push them to do better by telling them things they may not necessarily always want to hear, have a tendency to govern themselves, and decide what rules they want to follow.  Usually these rules are judged on a curve because we always give ourselves more allowances than we do others. But why hold everyone else to a higher standard than we do ourselves?

Man, left alone to the depravity of his mind, will turn back to the ways of his nature.  This natural way of doing things is sadly comparable to a beast in the wild. We need others who will help to keep us accountable to our actions, and encourage us to push through our fears. If we don't have these people we are otherwise destined to self-destruct.

Pride & Insignificance

Picture provided by: Pintrest.com

You came in drunk last night
And I let you down talk me
Like a fool, I took it
But like a saint, I held my tongue
Keeping inside those things I may regret

I'm weighted down
By the anvils of misery you impose
I want to run
But the strength of my devotion
Keeps me anchored to you
Why?

I dredge through the sludge of sorrow
You seem to promise
Trying to save you,
But hoping you'll turn around
And save me too

The pain inflicted by your words
Seeps down into my every pore
I can feel them bleeding tears of agony
Every time you remind me
How you view my presence so insignificantly

Pride is a powerful tool
And its taken over your mind
But I'm bound to the man you used to be
Hoping he'll show up at any time
I guess this is the anchor which keeps me by your side

One day though,
This well of tears will wash up
Then go dry
And everything I hold back
Will come out
From the places they hide

Marriage vs. Divorce

Picture provided by: Pintrest.com

The break up of a marriage is never a good thing.  We see it all he time on television.  They celebrate it with so-called "Divorce Parties,"  and make the destruction of a covenant relationship look like a cake walk.  In reality, its like experiencing death over and over again; especially for the one who does not want the marriage to end.

When we get married, we go into the relationship vowing to be joined together until death; and for the most part, the two who are joined together truly believe that's what they'll do. But what do you do when those feelings have been broken down from years of the responsibility to take care of family, go to work, pay bills, stretch your dollar to cover for a multitude of obligations that come along with having kids, and on top of that try and muster the energy to keep the relationship fresh? Things tend to get stale naturally after 10/20 years.  That's why they say marriage is work.  Then again, what if the relationship has been compromised by infidelity?

Once the trust is gone, many would say there's no reason to continue in the relationship.  Though those feelings can be justified, they may not necessarily be the right thing to do. Being Christian, I believe our first relationship is a marriage; one between us and God.  He ordained this covenant as an example of how he wants to relate to His people.  His plan sets up a blueprint for how we should treat the ones we chose to spend the rest of our lives with.

Imagine if we treated our relationships as if we were actually married to God in the place of the man or woman He gave to us in holy matrimony?  Would we be so quick to make the decision to divorce?  Of course not, because its God!  He never offends, never lets us down, and He will never betray us; though we do it to Him all the time.

Now if you're the spouse considering a divorce, because you have been wronged and feel justified in your decision; turn the tables on yourself.  In your marriage to God, you are the offender, and always have been.  You have betrayed His trust on countless occasions; yet there's still the expectation of forgiveness through repentance.  We go to Him each time we do Him wrong, and beg Him for a mercy we don't deserve; knowing deep down that we'll most surely hurt Him again in the future. What if God made the decision to divorce you?  He would be more than justified in that decision, but I know personally, I would fight tooth and nail for that not to happen. I also know that being full of love and mercy, He would give me more than enough chances to make things right.

For all my friends in the struggle between the decision to stay married, or get divorced, I know the feeling. It is a hard battle staying committed to someone who is seemingly not as committed to you.  Life does not promise a sea of rose petals to carry us through the beatitudes of marriage.  If we paid closer attention to our vows, we'd see that they say, "for better or worse."  It is in this "worse" that those beatitudes become real ugly, and not only your commitment to your word is tested, but so is your faith.

I remember while I was going through my own struggles, I used to talk to my pastor and have great expectations of the advice he would give me. The one thing he continued to stress used to irritate me, because I thought it was so generic. The words he said didn't seem to give me the strength I was searching for, yet he continued to tell me to, "hold on."  Just those two words, plus the direction to stay strong was what I got, and though I held on eagerly waiting for a profound speech which would magically take away all my problems; I never got it. First, because it was not my pastor's job to fix my life, and second because only God had the power to do what I was expecting from a man.

 I reflect back on those words now and see how much power they truly held.  If my pastor had not been so adamant in his repetition of the words, I may have done what came natural, and given up. I had certainly lost all hope, because it appeared that all hope was lost.

Even though my situation looked bleak, God had another plan.  His plan, as always, proved to be much better than my own.  I held on, and according to all who bore witness to my struggle, I stayed strong.  The power in those words was bigger than I gave them credit.  They are bigger than we give them credit.  These are the words I will pass on to those now in the struggle... Hold on...

Thank you Pastor



Reference Guide for Marriage:

1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Ephesians 5:22-33
The Book of Hosea

Links for Prayers and Casting Out Demons/Curses:

Cangodhealmarriages.christianfunfair.org/prayer-for-a-healed-marriage.htm

http://heavenbound5511.hubpages.com/hub/-BREAK-SENT-SPELLS-BREAK-CORDS-AND-BIND-UP-ALL-SPELLS-PLANS-Prayers

Girl Fights

picture provided by: Pinterest.com

The other day, while I was in class,  I noticed a sort of tension among a few of the girls.  They were  carrying on like everything was fine while throwing blatant shade to one another.  I felt compelled to observe, just to see if I could gauge the root of why they seemed so upset.  You see these girls had been stuck to each other like white on rice since I started teaching in the classroom.  I thought to myself how sad it was really, because I could see past the facade they used to try and mask their true feelings, into what really matters; their hearts.

I stood back and watched as two young ladies, who are normally the best of friends, maneuver through the classroom trying to avoid making eye contact with the other.  One of the girls in particular, made a show of how angry she was by dramatically rolling her eyes every time she passed her former best-but-no-today-yet-will-be-tomorrow-friend.  As she took her seat, the girl sitting to her right whispered something in her ear (this third girl has been on the outs from the group for quite a while).  Both of them laughed,but dramatic girl made an extra showing, glancing in the direction of their now shared enemy.  I noticed that dramatic girl's laughter was beyond the tone one would expect from a whispered conversation. My guess was that her faux jubilence was a ploy to catch the attention of her former friend.

I sat and watched this display of drama unfolding before my eyes, and was taken back to a time when I was their age.  I remembered how me and my "friends" would argue, then stop talking just to go behind the other's back and blast them to whomever would listen. Though I was a participant and promoter of  the gossip, I still remember the tremendous hurt I felt as a result of the broken connection between me and my friend.

Having our feelings hurt is really the root cause of why we choose to react negatively when we feel we've been offended. We do anything we can to wrap a band aid around our hurt so we don't have to feel/deal with it; even to the point of lashing out at those we say we care about most.   I was able to see this being displayed in the dramatic girl's attitude.  She paced the room and made sizable gestures attempting to cover for the fact that she really just wanted to have her friend back.

Meanwhile, as far as I could see, her friend (though she may have been upset as well) held a cool head.  She did a good job at not letting anyone see her sweat.  From the outside looking in, most would consider her the "it" girl simply by the way she carries herself.  Full of grace, and always adorned in a warm smile, I could see why many would want to befriend her. The stylish clothes and pretty nails are just an added bonus to who she truly is. But even with all of the "it" girl's dazzling personality traits, my heart went out to the one who was dramatic. I could see how deeply affected she was by what she viewed as the end of their friendship.  I was led to encourage her to smile, not the fake "I'm fabulous and my lips are wrapping around my ears because I want everyone to think I am," cover up smile, instead of rolling her eyes, because everything would work out.

Sure enough, the next day the girls were back on good terms.  It was nice to see both girls smiling with each other.  I gave dramatic girl a knowing look, and she returned the favor.  We both grinned, hers growing a littler deeper as I passed her by and winked.  All was right with the world again.