Girl Fights

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The other day, while I was in class,  I noticed a sort of tension among a few of the girls.  They were  carrying on like everything was fine while throwing blatant shade to one another.  I felt compelled to observe, just to see if I could gauge the root of why they seemed so upset.  You see these girls had been stuck to each other like white on rice since I started teaching in the classroom.  I thought to myself how sad it was really, because I could see past the facade they used to try and mask their true feelings, into what really matters; their hearts.

I stood back and watched as two young ladies, who are normally the best of friends, maneuver through the classroom trying to avoid making eye contact with the other.  One of the girls in particular, made a show of how angry she was by dramatically rolling her eyes every time she passed her former best-but-no-today-yet-will-be-tomorrow-friend.  As she took her seat, the girl sitting to her right whispered something in her ear (this third girl has been on the outs from the group for quite a while).  Both of them laughed,but dramatic girl made an extra showing, glancing in the direction of their now shared enemy.  I noticed that dramatic girl's laughter was beyond the tone one would expect from a whispered conversation. My guess was that her faux jubilence was a ploy to catch the attention of her former friend.

I sat and watched this display of drama unfolding before my eyes, and was taken back to a time when I was their age.  I remembered how me and my "friends" would argue, then stop talking just to go behind the other's back and blast them to whomever would listen. Though I was a participant and promoter of  the gossip, I still remember the tremendous hurt I felt as a result of the broken connection between me and my friend.

Having our feelings hurt is really the root cause of why we choose to react negatively when we feel we've been offended. We do anything we can to wrap a band aid around our hurt so we don't have to feel/deal with it; even to the point of lashing out at those we say we care about most.   I was able to see this being displayed in the dramatic girl's attitude.  She paced the room and made sizable gestures attempting to cover for the fact that she really just wanted to have her friend back.

Meanwhile, as far as I could see, her friend (though she may have been upset as well) held a cool head.  She did a good job at not letting anyone see her sweat.  From the outside looking in, most would consider her the "it" girl simply by the way she carries herself.  Full of grace, and always adorned in a warm smile, I could see why many would want to befriend her. The stylish clothes and pretty nails are just an added bonus to who she truly is. But even with all of the "it" girl's dazzling personality traits, my heart went out to the one who was dramatic. I could see how deeply affected she was by what she viewed as the end of their friendship.  I was led to encourage her to smile, not the fake "I'm fabulous and my lips are wrapping around my ears because I want everyone to think I am," cover up smile, instead of rolling her eyes, because everything would work out.

Sure enough, the next day the girls were back on good terms.  It was nice to see both girls smiling with each other.  I gave dramatic girl a knowing look, and she returned the favor.  We both grinned, hers growing a littler deeper as I passed her by and winked.  All was right with the world again.

Refections

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One day I saw a little girl
Whose life was incomplete
She searched to find the one who could
Make her broken ends meet

The knowledge of who she truly was
Had yet to be revealed
So she searched to see if one man could
break the pattern of its seal

She looked and looked, but could not find
One suited to meet her needs
The emptiness she felt inside
Continued to feed her grief

This girl she grew, and grew, and grew
Into what some would call full grown
But this little girl, she never could
Find a confidence all her own

She thought she'd found the only man
To make her heart complete
Her world it seemed surrounded in
A security oh so sweet

And then one day that man she found
Turned her world into a mess
She thought she'd never recover from
The failure of love's test

She looked into the mirror
And didn't like the reflection she'd seen
Crying out for God to help her
On His shoulder she heavily leaned

Then finally she gave up
Throwing her hands into the air
She stopped solving her own problems
And placed them all in the Master's care

He showed her who she truly was
And was really meant to be
Not some man's ever changing idea
Of what they call a fantasy

She opened up her eyes just then
And began to truly feel awake
He pieced together all the brokenness
And began to heal the ache

The mirror of reflections showed
God's loving and tender hand
He built in her a confidence which
She could trust and firmly stand

The Champion's Race

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Last night I had the privilege of watching my son fly.  By this I mean he was whipping across the track so fast, it seemed as if his feet had ventured up into the air with the currents of his speed and taken flight.

I get excited when I see him run.  It is in this experience that I can live for a moment.  For me, we merge as if I were him and he were me.  I'm not one of those parents who puts pressure on their child to do what I choose for him.  No, I have no desire to live vicariously that way.  But, I will say, it is exhilarating for me to watch my child choose to do something I was so passionate about when I was his age.

In  high school I wanted desperately to be apart of a sports team.  My gift was running and choreographing/performing dance, but my mother, who encouraged my gifts, also only wanted me to use them so long as I didn't have to travel away from town to compete.  This left me in quite the dilemma.  My passions desired to be expressed and bloom, but my mother would not allow them to grow outside of her grasp.  I won't deny that I became embittered by this; especially when my dance instructor called my mother directly to ask if I could join the drill team.  There would be no need for me to audition because the instructor/coach was so impressed with my abilities she automatically included me in the cut. All she needed was for my mother to give her the approval.

There was a deja vu experience in my head as I stood by and watched my instructor explain why I would be a good addition to the team.  Her head drooped, just a little bit, as she listened to my mother speak.  I could already see disappointment get up to walk over and make company with me yet again.

I had first become acquainted with disappointment, as it related to sports team participation, in junior high when I tried out for the track team, and made it, running just one second short of the fastest boy in school. I proudly carried the label of the fastest girl around as if I had already won the champion's medal.  When I got home, I told my mother what happened to me at school, fully expecting her to be as excited as I was.  She was excited until she learned I would have to travel out of town on occasion for the meets. The disappointment of chasing my track star dreams met me on that day.  I was bound to being on the sideline while my friends pursued the cut.

Now, I sit on the sidelines watching my child and feeling just as exhilarated as I was when my coach first told me she wanted me for her team.  The nerves in my legs come alive and spark the adrenaline over my whole body.  I can imagine my son's nerves doing the same thing as he makes his way to his mark. I'm propelled forward in a loud cheer as he leaps into action after the sound of the gun pierces the air. My heart pounds along with his as he passes swiftly by me, and races toward the finish line.  My breath is stolen away in awe as  my son steals the place of the runners he now transcends in speed.  Finally, the great rush of victory covers us like a warm blanket.  His triumph is mine as well. To me, he is the champion of champions, and the expression of my dream.  

Changing Seasons

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The seasons they change
They keep passing by and by
Burdens unreleased never lift
Nor do they become light

A weight so heavy
Hardly a breath to breathe
A lightless tunnel
Too deep to even see

What of these great burdens
I am determined to bear?
Pride will not lift them
And stubborn won't share

The seasons they change
Just like 1, 2, & 3
But theses shadows of pity
Refuse to set me free

Oceans of waves
Drown me with fear
Tried turning away
But the fear, its still here

Oh please God, please help me!
I'm spiraling down
My heart cries out broken
My world spins around

The seasons they change
For all who can see
I just wait for the day
Those seasons change me

The Bonds of Us

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Me and you, us two
We are a passionate duo
Embracing our love
And losing control

All our senses
Getting counted as loss
Pushing past those lines
We dare to cross

Blind to what is
Plainly seen
We tempt the heat
And play in its steam

A never-ending connection
Wrapped in circular degrees
That leads me back to you
And you back to me

Bent and shifted, never broken
Nor pulled from the other's grasp
A forceful shake of our foundation
Shows its built to last and last

Together we stand
United we grow
Despite toils and tribulations
Forever is all we know

Ugly Ways

Pretty little girls
With ugly ways
Can only go so far

Ugly little girls 
With pretty ways
Can get by on their charm

But Ugly little girls
With ugly ways
Have nowhere they can go

Life will offer them 
Its cruelest days
An unwelcome world to know

Eye rolls & swirly necks
An unacceptable hand to play
And loathsome company to keep

Fiery tongues
Cloaked in naughty words all day
An unfortunate adornment indeed

Their ugly ways
Will catch up to them & stay
That's most guaranteed

And while it runs
To reach its peak of hate
Noses turn from the stink

Her pretty has been buried so deep
Inside those ugly ways
It remains consistently unseen

Beauty may only run
As deep as the thinnest skin may
A mere fragment of an inch

But the ugliest ugly
Runs straight to the bone always
Just as dense as dense can be

Affects of an Affair

It all starts in your mind. Just a thought, in the wrong direction, of a person who is not your mate. Thoughts then become fantasies about what life would be like with this person.  Those fantasies can lead to an ongoing pursuit of a social relationship with the object of your imaginations.  Its been said that "affairs don't start in the bedroom, they start with a conversation."One word is all it takes to spark the flame and set the furnace of betrayal ablaze.

A flirty conversation may seem innocent at first, but when you're married,  you have to picture if you would be having this conversation with the opposite sex in front of your spouse. If the answer is no, then you've already gone too far.

The Huffington Post says "an emotional fidelity is the hardest thing to build, and it takes the biggest toll on a relationship when it is betrayed." When bridges have been burned between two people, it takes both of them, working in sync, to rebuild the space that has grown. But, I believe it is the responsibility of the betrayer to see to it that the building project is complete.  

An emotional connection with someone outside of your marriage runs deeper than the physical act of sex. This is why the affects are greater.  Being on the receiving end of betrayal can feel like a continuous death; one you  most certainly have to go through on a daily basis. Even if the couple decides to come back together and make it work, the one who has been betrayed is left with paranoia, lack of self esteem/confidence, and a conscious feeling of unworthiness.  Of course, these feelings can be controlled by the individual, but they have also been fostered by the betrayer. 

Its always hard to picture ourselves in someone else's shoes; especially when we've never experienced the same circumstance, but when the lines of betrayal have been crossed in your relationship, even the slightest movement back over that line can break down everything a couple may have worked hard to rebuild. Flirting with past behaviors and expecting your spouse should "trust you" simply because you say they should will not correct the past.  Your actions have to far out shine your words.  The real challenge comes when you're put in the same situation you were before you made the decision to step outside your marriage, but this time you choose to walk away.  

Opportunities to cheat are almost promised.  The way we react to them is dependent.  What will you do when you're not satisfied in your relationship?  Any relationship worth having will certainly have times when one or both partners is dissatisfied,and not happy.  How will you react to another person who comes along and makes everything feel better for the moment.  You know, the people who you feel can put a band aid over your knife wound.  Because that's all they really are; a band aid.  When it comes down to it, these people have not, and will not put up with the things that your spouse has over the years; nor will they have your back when it feels like the world is against it.   They are a temporary fix to your ego (insecurity) problem.  

There are a great many ways we expect to be treated by others.  We want to know that we can rely on them to keep their word to us; most especially when those words are said in a vow.  Its not surprising that most don't hold themselves to the same standard they expect from others. There is always an excuse to pardon their behavior, and its usually made so that the image they see in the mirror is easier to view. A great man once said' "you can make excuses, or you can make progress, but you can't make both." Make progress.