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Relationships are hard. I am a testament to that. You can be in your world thinking everything is fine, and walking around as happy as a lark, then BOOM!. Suddenly, the person in the relationship with you blows up your spot, and that happy world you thought you were in turns dark.
A few months back I wrote a story about struggling with depression. I wrote this because I am married to someone who does, and I wanted to draw awareness to the seriousness of the condition. Sometimes, for those who struggle with it, they unknowingly cause destructive situations for themselves and the ones they love. This pattern of destruction is never intentional, even though it may feel like it, but it is something that, for them, is hard to control. So for the person in the relationship with one who struggles with anxiety and depression, your level of strength has to be enough to carry both you and your partner during those times when they aren't strong enough to carry their own weight.
In the beginning everything is SO right. You sign on to spending your time with someone you can't imagine a life without. It all seems feasible, and if you decide to get married, "till death do us part," doesn't seem like enough time.
I remember years ago, when my husband and I first got married, we were driving into San Antonio from Dallas to honeymoon. To this day, I can't tell you how we got started, but from the time we got into the car to head out, until we pulled into the parking lot at our hotel in San Antonio, we argued like cats and dogs. I can't even remember why we were arguing, it just seemed like one argument led to another, and on that trip we had many. I
can tell you that the minute we stepped out of the car my husband told me, "Lets not argue any more. Lets just have fun," and we did. We stayed out all night long doing everything we wanted and just enjoying each other's company. It was one of the best times in my life.
I think it says something when couples argue and can't remember what they were arguing about, but then can turn around and tell you every detail of the good times they had together. It is the good times that count the most. It has been 18 years since that day, and both me and my husband still laugh about our experience there in San Antonio, bonding together on a deeper level.
I'd like to say my husband and I are very passionate people. We are driven by it. It is the force behind many of our disagreements, but it is also the driving force behind what makes us work hard to achieve our goals. One of those goals was to always stay together no matter what; and absolutely NOT, under any circumstance, mention, or even consider the "D" word. Divorce. It just wasn't going to be an option.
What a difference years can make though, as you go along in your marriage relationship. All of those goals you set out to achieve in the beginning, and we had a lot more to add to the first one, dwindle over time when you add in kids, job stress, and the regular every day issues of life.
My husband was diagnosed with depression after many years into our marriage. I had never before associated his outburst of anger with a chemical imbalance in the brain. They didn't happen very often, as my husband was typically a man to make peace. He was the one who could be found making the first move to apologize, or as others so often refer to it, "be the bigger person."
He was always overly concerned with how his words may affect someone, so he chose them wisely as a result. This was the man I knew and fell in love with, but I have to admit, there were times in our relationship that I took advantage of his gift of peace making during the very few disagreements he and I had. .
There is a saying that goes, "All relationships go through hell, but those that are real (meant to be) get through it." Sometimes we may wonder, in the middle of our difficulties, if it is destined to be. Some may even see a future together as bleak. Things like a betrayal of trust, financial troubles, the inability to communicate how you truly feel (irreconcilable differences), or physical abuse loot divorce documents in our nation's court system daily. They are even, under certain circumstances, good reasons for couples to go their separate ways; most especially the last one. These things are building blocks which contribute to the wall already being built between the two people inside the relationship, and when there is a marriage between the two, especially one involving children, bringing the relationship to an end becomes all the more complicated.
So how does that wall in the relationship get misplaced and go up between the couple instead of around them? The answer is simple... There were two people who entered the relationship when it started, and there are two people building on the wall together. How you build is what makes the difference.
We allow more bricks to stack up when we refuse to deal with our true issues. We allow them to mess up our way of thinking, our commitment to the other, and compromise our values. We try and solve these issues by buying into our comfort habits instead of facing the storm head on. For some, comfort habits can look like shopping your way into debt, and for others it may be turning to someone else and hoping they can medicate your troubles by helping you escape them inside the comfort of their arms. These things are never the right answer to a temporary problem, but they can turn what's temporary into a permanent end.
My husband and I have dealt with many issues designed to break us apart, but yet we still remain. Recently we celebrated 18 years of marriage on 9/12/2016, and I have to admit that it is only because we take it day-by-day.
I don't feel that I can necessarily give advice on how to have a successful marriage, because I don't always have one. I myself wonder sometimes what the future holds for me and my husband; when ten years ago, I would never have even considered the thought. What I can say is, if you are with the one you know you are supposed to be with, and you've faced challenges that make you want to run, DON'T. Pray to God for direction; fight as hard as you can, not only for yourself, but for your partner; stick around because things do change, and block out the advice of those who don't have your best interest at heart. In doing all of this though, you must also remember that you can't fight alone. It takes both people in the relationship to win, and neither can give up on the other.
For those who are connected to someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, your fight is going to have to be even stronger, because there will be times where they will try to push you away on purpose, so build your muscles. Some of those things are out of their control, and when its all said and done, they really don't mean for you to leave. Read your Bible. You'd be surprised how many scriptures hit on just what your going through. Be the mental strength for the one you love during those times they are too weak to have strength on their own. They need you; more in the bad times than in the good.
