A Mother's Woes

Sometimes I feel like I'm just not good enough.  No matter how hard I try I end up doing the very things I set in my mind not to do.  Losing my temper with my children seems to be a recurring event as they grow deeper into their teens, and all I want to be is the best mother I can be to both of my sons.

As my children so often to refer to my chosen method of communication, and as is so popularly coined when in reference to women who continuously speak their mind; I nag.  Am I proud of this? No.  Do I want to continue? Heck no!  But when I clearly communicate my expectations, and the matter of time in which I expect them to be followed, it irks me when I hear the constant excuses that my words were forgotten, or for that matter, not even heard... Every day?  Does the hearing mechanism in their ears only operate when I'm saying something they want to hear like, "Hey y'all want to go out to eat, or would you like a little money for your pocket?"

It is only when I become so frustrated with the daily recurrence of  a power struggle between my children and I, and then say something out of that frustration which causes my son's feelings to be hurt that I begin to feel  that maybe I'm just not good enough for my position.

Just last week my youngest son "ran away" after I told him to reclean all the mess he had left behind from his initial cleaning.  I remember telling him that I would prefer for any child of mine to leave versus not taking care of the small responsibilities that I give them while living in my home. This, of course, was not what I truly meant.  I could never see my sons living anywhere but with me while they are being raised, but it took a conversation with my husband for me to see that maybe he had interpreted my words the wrong way.

After saying this to my son he dropped what he was doing and began to walk out of the house.  At first with nothing, but then deciding to turn around and retrieve his phone.  A phone I quickly confiscated, reminding him that I still paid the bill.  He left in a huff and began the long walk out of our neighborhood in 90 degree weather.

I was hot on his trail. trying to give tough love, but at the same time having a protective mother instinct that immediately takes over whenever I feel one of my children would face even the slightest bit of danger.  I followed him for about a quarter of a mile until I noticed that he was becoming increasingly tired.  This is when I decided enough was enough and pulled up beside him so that he could see that I had been following him.  He chose to run from me, yelling that I only cared about myself; the same thing he had said on his way out the door.  I ignored this because I knew he was angry, and parked the car waiting, because I knew eventually he would turn around.  He did, and when he got back into the car he told me that if I really cared about him I would have never let him leave.  Oh, but how far from the truth he was.

When we got back to the house we had a long conversation about tough love, and I apologized if I had given him the wrong impression, and had been too hard on him.  I also made sure he knew that I was still mama, and had rules which I expected to be followed.  Our conversation ended well, as we both reached a better understanding of how the other operates.

I can only hope now that my 16 year old is mad at me, he and I can come to the same understanding.  If only there was an instruction book on how to raise teen-aged boys out there, it would be a number one seller, and I would be first in line for my copy.

Woe is me...

What Hate Looks Like

What does hate really look like? For me, growing up in a Christian household, hatred always tended to look like red horns with a demonic face.  Hatred was evil, born straight from the father of lies.  Hatred was the devil.

Whatever it may look like personally to you, it is real, it is here, and it comes in many forms.  In the spirit realm, it has existed since before man was created.  This we learn through the story of Lucifer, one of God's highest angels, who came to know hate through his desire to take God's place. His prideful lust for The Creator's throne resulted in him being cast out of heaven by the very God he was trying to be. But hatred, thankfully does not follow mankind through the birth canal in the process of labor.  No, we come into this world not caring about the differences between one person from the next.  The ignorance, bound in hatred, is a learned character trait passed down through generations as a way of boosting the human ego.

It is natural in any man or woman to want to feel more secure in themselves.  Some people go about this by reaching for higher career goals, or buying a whole new wardrobe.  Some even find a deeper level of security in their religious beliefs, and lessons of encouragement they receive as a result.  Yet there are others who have been taught that security comes from the belief that they are superior to someone else based off of their differences.

America as a whole has learned to put on a pretty mask.  We parade around in an effort to cover our true feelings and call it being "politically correct."  We practice our curtsy and give an esteemed bow to keep up a show for this masquerade ball of a nation.  We do this until something so drastically historic happens that it ruffles our feathers, and lifts the mask right off the faces of the hateful.  Historic happenings such as the election of the nation's first Black president, which happened nearly eight years ago, but yet has netted a drastic amount of ignorance which has been swelling for so long that it has been pricked to the point of explosion.

Being politically correct, even in the media, has somehow become  a thing of the past.  Bill O'Reilly, a journalist with his own nightly show, has made claims that Black Americans are "ill educated," and apparently they also have tattoos on their foreheads.  I also remember that there was a point in time where he claimed that Black Americans were responsible for the nation's level of violence.  While admittedly there are some people who are Black and do those things, it is also true that the same can be said about people in other races.

It is a sad thing when someone who has such influence on the nation, can take his platform and use it to display his ignorance so boldly.  He is only one of the many.  Time after time we have been exposed to hatred through slanderous words, and even acts of violence.  The terrorist attacks of 9/11, and more recently the shootings in an Orlando night club where 50 people were killed. show how hate can infect the human mind and permeate the outcome of other's lives. This recent attack has been said to be the deadliest mass shooting in the United States and the worst terrorist attack since September of 2001. and it was all driven by, and laced in hate.

One thing I know about hate is that it always comes to steal your mind, kill your existence, and destroy your destiny.  Never have I seen a hateful person walk around daily with hearts filled with utter delight.  They are drenched in their negative emotions, and search miserably for how they can inflict their ignorance on the one's they feel more superior to. It is a heavy burden that I choose not to bear.  Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."  If you need proof of this, keep tuning in to your nightly news.

Weaknesses

I wish my weakness would just leave me alone
Sometimes I just feel like it'll never go home
As soon as I think I've got it in check
It comes and proclaims, "No girl, I'm back."

If I could only escape it for one moment of peace
My thoughts could collect enough for me to get back to me
But as I grow further into life's ups and downs
This weakness jumps out and demands to be found

I wake in the morning, all snug in my bed
And as soon as I open my eyes, weakness bears its dirty head
Its a battle I can't win all on my own
'Cause weakness has speed dialed my life right into its phone

I say to myself, "look at her, she looks like she's got it all together in these streets."
Knowing deep down, comparison and confidence are natural born enemies
Besides that I know, someone could be thinking that about me
Fighting to cleave to the good in thier identities

Me and old weakness, yeah we fight every day
Constantly struggling to move the other away
Thank God,  my Jesus took one for the team
Now I'm totally set free from the weaknesses that bound me

What is Beauty?

Picture provided by: www.theodysseyonline.com/beauty-not-duty

In the dictionary, beauty is defined as a combination of qualities such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight.  Another definition goes on to say that beauty is pleasurably exalting to the mind or spirit.  But what is true beauty? Really?

I remember being told once, by someone of great significance to me, that another woman was prettier because her skin was lighter, and she had longer hair.  The only thing I could think to respond with was, "Is it all hers?" (The hair that is).  I tried playing it cool, but inside the way I felt about myself was dying. The death was not a slow and agonizing one.  This one was a swift cut to the throat of my self confidence.

All of the beauty I thought I had slipped away on that day, and even now, almost two years later, I have yet to grasp a healthy grip of the confidence that used to be mine. What in the world was I thinking when I asked that question?  Is she prettier than me?  First of all, it was something I knew I truly didn't want to know the answer to given the source and circumstance.  Sometimes, I feel ignorance is truly bliss.

But was I truly confident in myself, and how God made me if one conversation could break me down so easily? Maybe if it were someone else the statement wouldn't have affected me the way it did.  I began looking at the complexion of my skin as if for the first time. Not that I had never noticed my golden brown tone, I had just never had a problem with it before.

For the first time I saw how dark my complexion was in comparison to a few of my friends.  I began to question if I was as pretty as they were, or just fooling myself.   My thoughts became an obsession of wondering if I was good enough; was my hair long enough, and how much sun could I avoid so my skin would not grow any darker?

Many years ago, when I was in the 10th grade, I remember walking down the hall to my next class and minding my own business.  Without being prompted, some random guy decided to step to me and say, "You look really lopsided.  If only the size of your breast matched with the size of your behind."  I didn't even know the guy's name, and could not remember ever seeing him in the hallway, but it was like what he said brought attention to my lack of awareness that I actually had small breast.

After that I began to watch as seemingly all the girls in my peer group developed and left me in the dust.  Where were my big breast?  Weren't they something I was supposed to have as a girl?  Why was it taking them so long to grow?  My mother always said that the breast I didn't yet have would come full circle and grow to match the size of just about every other woman on her side of the family when I had children.  I was excited to know this, and when I finally had children, was happy to see the evidence.  But just as soon as I decided to ween my children from nursing, my big breast decided to ween themselves from the girth of their size.

I've come to the conclusion that some women (women like me) are beautiful in our own minds until someone comes along and tells us that we are not according to THEIR standard of beauty.  Is a standard of beauty truly based off of what another person thinks, or is it how we should think about ourselves?  When God made man (including woman), He looked at His work, and said it was good.  So, if the Creator can look at His own work and say that how He made us was good, who are we to doubt that?

True beauty comes from within.  When you look in the mirror, it is how you view yourself, flaws and all.  It is how you accept the way God made you, because nobody can do you better than you do yourself.  It is being proud of the person you are and not comparing yourself to others.  Self confidence glows like a guiding light, and it will lead others to view you in the same way, and there is nothing more (humanly) beautiful than that.

The Trinity

Yesterday, as we were riding home from school, my youngest son asked me about the correlation between God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. He didn't understand how when in church they say, "Jesus is God," that they are talking about a different person of God than God the Father and the Holy Spirit.

I have to admit this one puzzled me even into adulthood.  My explanation to him was something that was just recently revealed to me through listening to my pastor, reading my Bible, and the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me.

In the Bible it states that when Christ ascended into Heaven, He left us with the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is our sealed promise that we belong in the Kingdom of God.  To my son, I explained that the Holy Spirit was kind of like DNA.  Anyone who wanted to know who he belonged  to (in the natural realm) could take a DNA sample from his blood, or any form of bodily fluid, and know that he belongs to his father and I.  In the same way, the Holy Spirit living inside of us allows for people to know who he belongs to (in the spiritual realm), should they test to see.

Romans 8:34 states that Christ Jesus, who died "is at the right hand of God..."  Even as He hung dying on the cross, Jesus spoke to His heavenly Father and asked mercy for all who were there and responsible for crucifying Him. Genesis 1:26 states, " Then God said, "Let us make mankind in our own image, in our likeness..." In Genesis 3: 22 after Adam and Eve ate from the tree bearing the knowledge of good and evil God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil."  Who was He talking to other than the Ones who bear witness with him in heaven; The Son, and The Holy Spirit?

There is further references to God in three persons in 2 Corinthians 13:14 and 1 Peter 1:2 (even more so than the ones I've listed in this blog post).  I believe now I have a better understanding of the Trinity, even though in the Bible the word is not technically mentioned, 1 John 5:7 does state "for there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, The Word (who is Christ- the one who was with God the Father when Earth was formed), and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one."


There is much to learn when I do get to heaven, because I still struggle to communicate how God the Father is in three persons, but He is also one with Christ and the Holy Spirit to my children.  My hope is that as they grow older and more mature in their faith, they will learn, like I did, and through that learning process draw even closer to The Lord.

Stormy Days...

Nothing like clouds and rain
To wash away the aching pain
Of mystery united in intrigue

Those stormy days, they come they leave
But in them I can clearly see
The lightening flash of power and heat
A bonding between you and me

I can hear the thunderous roars
Your heart, it beats and pours and pours
Flash floods of aggression; puddles glazed in intimacy

Can you see my darkened skies?
A cover up so I can hide
These brewing forces fighting to rise
And claim my guarded city

Yet there is a great solace in
The spinning of chaotic winds
And fighting against the day's torrent of complexities

The complication in our chemistry
Stirs an unwelcome surge of  unease
Among those who long for sunny rays

And as the clouds begin to fade
The light breaks through on a new day
Nothing can ever take away
Passions shared in those stormy days




*Sometimes poetry just comes to me & I gotta get the words out.  I feel like this is what its like inside some relationships.  If you sit back and watch, you sometimes have to wonder WHY IN THE WORLD these two people are together (no one in particular, just an observation), but then... There can be no other explanations except that they must enjoy the storm...

Black Lives Matter

photo provided by: https://theodysseyonline.com/yes-all-lives-matter-but

The Black Lives Matter campaign was brought about in recent years because of the increasing number of Black lives being lost to law enforcement officers, and so-called 'neighborhood watch' vigilantes like George Zimmerman.

Lives such as those of Tamir Rice, a 12 year old boy shot down by police for playing with a toy gun. No charges were filed against the officers because they said he "did not exercise due care to avoid injury." Really? A 12 year old? Do authorities truly believe that a 12 year old has the mental maturity to know what to do when law enforcement officers who have sworn to protect and serve him, are pointing their weapons in his direction?  I'm sure this child was totally frightened.  I'm sure he didn't wake up thinking that that particular day would be the last day of his life.  The world will never know his potential of greatness because on that day, his Black life didn't matter.

Samuel Dubose was shot in the head by Officer Ray Tensing, who lied about being drug by Dubose's car as his reasoning for the shooting.  After the release of the video, in which Dubose was being pulled over for a missing front license plate, (is that even against the law??) it was shown that the victim was unarmed, and had not acted in an aggressive way what-so-ever before being murdered. As a matter-of-fact, the shooting by the officer was referred to by members of the court as "senseless," and "asinine."  It is a great thing that the officer's own body camera was able to catch what truly happened and hold him accountable by exposing his lies.  But on that day, did Samuel Dubose's Black life matter?

Sandra Bland was pulled over in Prairie View, TX. for not using a signal during her turn in traffic. This young, educated woman, who happened to be a very candid voice on social media for the rights,or lack there-of, of people in the Black community, ended up dead in jail after a minor traffic stop.  This traffic stop in particular was one where you had a Black female who continued to proclaim her rights as a citizen to the arresting officer.  One can only wonder would this woman be alive today if she had not been pulled over by an officer who chose to flaunt his power simply because he did not like what she had to say.  On that Sandra Bland's Black life did not matter.

Quanell X, one of the Houston area's local activist, stood against the actions of the police department in their protection of Sandra Bland's arresting officer.  To protect and serve is what they take oath to do, but it seems there is an underlying meaning in that promise.  All stops were pulled out as the department relocated this officer to a complex in Katy, TX, away from his home.  Though there was a non-violent protest organized by Mr. X, and advertised as such in meetings, armed officers on horseback, in cars, and on foot lined the outside of the complex to ensure this officer's safety against unarmed, non-violent people.

To protect and serve... An oath taken in reference to their own.  Why weren't these stops pulled to protect the lives of the lost? Even an animal has laws in place to protect the way they can be killed, or whether you can kill them at all.  Was Michael Brown's life not worth even the least bit as much as that of an animal? Besides the fact that his activities were delinquent, he was still just an 18 year old young man shot down by police and left on display in such a way that it was inhumane.

How many cameras had the opportunity to catch footage of his lifeless body still laying in the street hours after the officer had shot, then disregarded him? Even the carcasses of road kill have been picked up faster, and handled with  more care.  On that day, did Michael Brown's Black life matter?

Yes, many will say all lives matter, and of course that is a fact, but if all lives truly mattered, would there have been a need for the Black Lives Matter campaign?  Would I have to teach my two Black son's to watch their backs where the police are concerned, because they are automatically at a disadvantage due to the color of their skin?  One-sixteenth of an inch separates them from their white counterparts in the justice system... One-sixteenth of an inch in a piece of skin.  Do all lives really matter?  I think not.