I have a problem, more like an addiction to escapism. Is there a treatment center for that? If so, I have the down payment for a room reservation.
As if life didn’t offer enough anticipation, there is a tendency in me to seek out every level of rapid pulses my heart can handle; in the good way. I guess I’m just tired of the same thing on a different day. This is the cliché answer I find myself reciting to those who bother to ask. Although; given the expression, my 'same thing different day' usually means I'm encountering my share of new troubles on a daily basis.
This point in life has offered me not much more than stress piled on top of more stress. It would be accurate to say that I am absolutely a stress mess. I've come to expect more "bad news" like all who wake in the morning expect the sun. The cloud of bleakness has yet to clear. It is heavy with precipitation.
Chasing peace; this is what I really long to do, but the energy to achieve that goal has dissipated. Right now, as I'm writing, I am waiting for my husband and oldest son to return home and deliver yet another blow to my anxiety. Its hard to chase the tranquility of the consistent ease of great expectations when every day brings a new adventure fighting to keep me away from a sound mind.
I sometimes feel like Mrs. Celie in The Color Purple. While she sat clapping along with the other church folk to the music sang by the choir, their jubilance could not touch her. Everyone she knew had come in to their own reason to celebrate happiness, yet she sat stuck in misery. Having left Mister had given her the freedom to live without abuse, but it had not offered her what she really longed for. The hopelessness was etched into every crevice of her face, and reflected in the dimness in her eyes. For her, life had nothing good to offer, so why expect it.
Since I don't have even a minute portion of energy to run after harmony, I take it upon myself to have it in the one place I don't have to physically exert myself; my mind. Hence the addiction to escapism. But, this can't be healthy.
Like any addiction, living in the fantasy of your own thoughts can have a negative impact on your real life. The expectation for euphoric gratification only grows stronger each time I indulge in this alternate second life through the tunnel of my dreams.
Everything can't line up right, and nothing is as perfect as what's imagined. Sure, it makes returning to the real world seem much less than adequate, but if all things came together like I want them to, there is no guarantee that I will still want them.
Fantasies are only good inside the heads of those who carry them. Once those fantasies leave your head, and steps into reality, they have already been demoted to a place where there is no longer a desire for them. This can create a cycle of disappointments which can have a negative impact on a person's mental well-being. Hence, as stated above, I need a treatment center for my tendencies.
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