Living with Depression

photo provided by:  /www.theodysseyonline.com/struggles-people-suffer-anxiety-depression-avoid-talking

Yesterday one of the students at my school pulled out a "chord" from his backpack and proceeded to wrap it around his neck.  He began to strangle himself with such a force it required great effort by the PASS teacher to free him from his own hold.

This bothered me because this particular child I tend to compare with a Chihuahua, small in stature and all bark with no bite. He seems to feel the need to vocally defend himself even though there may not be a threat of attack. His form of physical aggression is typically to throw a desk across the room while shouting expletives to whomever will listen, but never has he been known to put his hand on anyone; until yesterday, when he chose to put his hands on himself. 

I look at this child and wonder if he lives with the same crippling entity that I have lived with for so many years.  

Depression is an ever-present body that lurks in the minds of its victims, waiting for its chance to break through and destroy their peace of mind.  I live with it, not inside my own head, but it is still a strong presence in my life. A presence which has taken hold of some who I love the most.  One in whom I promised to love for better or for worse, through sickness and in health. 

Mental health doesn't tend to be looked upon, or considered with as much concern as we do physical; but it can be just as debilitating to one's life as a cancer cell that is allowed time to grow and spread. Approximately 14.8 million adult Americans are affected by this illness, and it comes in 3 forms:  Major Depression, Persistent Depressive Disorder (or PDD), and Bipolar Disorder, formally called Manic Depression.

Looking at the people I love suffer produces a consistent feeling of helplessness.  I struggle still to understand how, even when everything is lined up right in their lives, the glass, in their view, is always half empty.

I remember growing up and watching my own sister struggle with something we just couldn't understand.  Back then we simply referred to her as "different." She seemed to take no joy in what one would consider a happy occasion. 

Once, my mother and I had taken her to a carnival, where the merry-go-round was a ride we felt would get her spirits up. She was only about 6 years old at the time, and I remember thinking how happy she should be to experience her first ride on a merry-go-round.  My mother and I stood and watched as she went around and around, clapping and cheering her on for motivation; yet she looked as if she had the world on her shoulders.  The whole time she rode, she did not smile once.  She kept watching us as if there was a great desire to be rescued from what ever it was she was suffering through.

We didn't understand what was going on with her. Her being "different" seemed only to get worse as she grew older.  My mother always felt that if we prayed hard enough, Jesus would fix her, and I agreed, but even the Bible states that faith without works is dead.  Yes, Jesus would fix her, but we also needed to have the knowledge and resources to go about working out our faith.   These things wouldn't come along until years down the line, when she was an adult and able to go get diagnosed on her own.

As many as 1 in 33 children may already suffer from depression, and may not even know it.  This is of great concern to me because young people are driven by so many emotions that they may not have the tools or maturity level to control.  Those emotions can drive them to do things, that if not guarded, can cause serious, even permanent consequences.

I thank God all the time that my loved ones are still here, living life and warrioring through their struggles. It is not easy, for either those who suffer from it, nor the ones, like me, who live with it and are affected by its existence. Still, even now, I struggle within myself to understand the seriousness of this condition; until I hear about a life being taken away by the ravaging hands of the depression storm.

Depression is very real, and not something that can be wished away or overcome by sheer will power. If you think lightly of this illness, like I used to, simply because you don't suffer from it personally, think again.  It can attack in the most unexpected of places, and through the most unassuming people, because it wears many masks.

One would never guess my own husband to be a sufferer because he tends to put on a happy face so others will be protected from his feelings. That is the nature of his character, to protect, while he suffers alone; but I don't plan on letting him do that any more. I can't... I won't...