The First Signs of Love

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Have you ever been in love?  If so, do you remember how it felt when it first happened?  Many believe that love is just a feeling, but as you grow and mature, you learn that love is more than the butterflies you feel fluttering in your stomach when that special person walks into a room.  Love is an action word. It is something that requires more than the sudden quickening of the heart.  It is constant work, and many may not be equipped for the task.

I remember being in college, free from my parent's roof and rules for the first time.  My mother had told me to keep myself free from the bonds of a relationship.  I was young and just beginning my journey into adulthood.  There would be plenty of time in the future for me to settle down, but for now I was to enjoy my freedom.  I took that to heart, and fully expected to go out and get to know people on a different level than the ones that bound me to a commitment.  This is not to say I planned on being "loose," I just wanted to date around without being tied to one person.

That all changed though, not long after I started my Freshman year.  I met a guy who was a musician in our school's gospel choir.  He was not what I would call conventionally handsome, but he had a good head on his shoulders, and he had goals I admired. The bonus to me was that he had his own apartment, and he was a very clean housekeeper; this showed a plus in his character.  

I never expected to fall for this guy the way I did, and it happened so suddenly I didn't have a chance to try and resist it.  One day I was lying around in my dorm room with nothing to do but think about him, and was hit by something I had never experienced before. It was as if it just dropped out of the sky and landed on me.  I knew immediately that what I was experiencing were the first signs of love.  I had found it in the most unexpected person, because when I entered the relationship with him, we both agreed that we would not get too serious. But there I was, spellbound, and totally smitten.

I told myself I would never admit how I felt to this guy.  At the beginning of our relationship, he confessed to me that he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and at first, I was okay with that. Unbeknownst to him, he wasn't the only one I was dating. I knew though, that things were getting serious just as soon as I stopped seeing that other person, and started spending every free moment with him.

We carried on in our relationship as if we both felt the same way about each other, but I knew better.  Like a fool, I continued seeing him, even though he told me that if it wasn't for his ex-girlfriend, I would be the one.  That was him blatantly admitting  I was second in his heart, and I allowed it because of my love for him.  He did eventually come to learn of my feelings, but not through me.  I had confessed this deep secret to who I believed was a trusted friend, and she soon went and told him what she promised me she never would.  I knew his only source of knowing came from her, because not only had I not told him how I felt, I had not told anyone.  It was a secret I kept close to my heart.

Everyone thought we were this happy couple, what with him coming to pick me up on Sundays to attend church with him, or bringing me and a friend to his apartment so that he could cook for us.  He also helped me escape the tediousness of campus life by picking me up for movie nights at his house.  My overnight bag stayed ready.  We seemed happy, but on the inside I was miserable.  With me being so new to love, I felt that if that was how love was; to place second in someone's life, then I didn't want any part of it.

I knew it was over one day when I called him and he told me he was sitting there with his ex-girlfriend.  She was in town and wanted to see him, and he was all too eager to oblige her.  I thought on this for a while, then realized it was time for me to let him go. The one thing I could be grateful for was the fact that I had never shared myself with him on a physical intimate level.  It made the process of a break up a little easier; although it was still a struggle.  He fought against it, and if I had given in, he would have won, but eventually, with my persistence, he was able to let me go.  It was then that I met who would go on to become my husband, and who I call my one true love

With my husband, in the beginning stages of our romance, there was no second place.  We were both caught up in that thing called love, and it seemed we couldn't get enough of each other. The broken pieces of my heart were gradually mending back together as I spent time in the company of who I now call my first TRUE love.  There is no better feeling than the one you have when your love is reciprocated.

The beginning of our relationship was so passionate, I was almost overwhelmed by the intensity.  Yes, we did follow the cliche acts of not being able to get off the phone with one another unless the other had counted to three, and then giggled when it didn't happen. We would even keep the line open just to hear the other breath while we took sporadic naps throughout our conversations. I was experiencing a security I had never known.  Growing up in a single-parent home, with no active father in my life, I desired to have the male companionship that went along with the acceptance of who I was no matter what.  I was grateful to be able to finally experience it with who I believed to be the man of my dreams.

In the beginning... Its a term one hears a lot in a relationship.  In the beginning things were so beautiful.  In the beginning he treated me like I was special.  In the beginning he took me out more. In the beginning she used to cook for me all the time.  In the beginning she dressed up more...  Why is it that all the good stuff in a relationship always seems to happen "in the beginning?"

When my husband and I first got married, we set out with goals that would help deepen our bond throughout the years of marriage.  The one thing we said we'd never consider was a divorce, but as time goes along and challenges face your relationship, divorce sometimes seems like a welcome relief as opposed to the pains of working on building a solid commitment with someone who no longer makes you happy.

Over time people change, some grow up, and others just seem to only grow old while trying to hang on to to a youth that has long since been fleeting.  The powerful thing about choosing to stay when everything in you is telling you to run, is that you are able to overcome all the obstacles meant to not only tear apart your relationship, but tear you down as a person.

Character is built in the midst of adversity.  How you handle the relationship you vow to stay bonded to "till death do you part," says a lot about who you are inside.  Who is it you want to see staring back at you when you look in the mirror?  Is it someone you can say fought as hard as they could with strength from God to defeat those things meant to break you down?  Or is it someone who cowers at the face of adversity, and jumps on the first thing smoking out of the relationship?

I am the first to admit that fighting for a relationship is hard.  It is taxing on the mind, and the heart, but you have to determine within yourself that it is worth it, because when its all said and done, it will be.  The key is to re-do those things that you did IN THE BEGINNING.  Its a practice which can easily become apart of the norm in your relationship if you set out to make it a priority.  Practice makes better, and anything you do for 21 days becomes habit; habit in turn forms a part of our character, and the type of character you have determines the outcome of your future.

For those who long, like me, to experience the butterflies you had when you first fell in love with your mate; you can have that.  You don't have to go out and find somebody else to do it either.  Start with a new attitude, AND KEEP IT.  Then exchange the things you're doing now for the ones you did to catch your mate's attention .  IN THE BEGINNING. I promise you your relationship will feel brand new even with the same person if you do it right.  Its all in the approach, and endurance you have to go along with it.  Don't wait on the other person to change first.  Start today with you.

Butterfly Dreams

Photo provided by: Pintrest.com

In as shell    
Trapped inside
I grow to learn
That I must hide
Inside these dreams
And longings to be
Set free to become
My true me
I wait for a crack
An opening of light
To give me hope
To continue to fight
What of these dreams
I have every day?
Are they to be lost
And washed away?
The light has not come
All hope seems yet lost
I am left to wonder
If its all worth the cost
Then I hear this sound
A grinding roar
My hidden world erupts
Fear draws me to the floor
Should I stay well hidden
Inside this dark shell?
Being trapped seems to fit
I have freedom to not fail
But the urge, it still haunts me
Its grip is still strong
If I'm to escape
I must carry on
The roaring won't stop
Filling my pit with its noise
"The time is now here!"
Cries this bittersweet voice
I hear this great boom
As light fills my space
The warmth of its beams
Caresses my face
I stretch my whole body
And burst through the shell
Crawling out to a freedom
I crave to know so well
Inside of this liberty
I'm overwhelmed all the more
My wing-span is boundless
And my dreams, they can soar
This colorful beauty
Is mine all alone
I've finally made it
I can fly, I am home...


*To those who want to fly, but think they can't... You will...

We

I don't regret anything
I don't
Do I wish I could go back
And change the depths of time?
Yes
If I could I would
And never meet you in the first place
Because the feelings
Were too good
Raw and fresh
Shameful and bliss
And I could never take it back
What's done is done
Absolute and complete
There is no changing that
So I don't regret anything
Not one thing do I regret
I just react

There are many days
logged into my memory
That I steal inside of
When life gets boring and or tough
See everything you were to me
Does not sit ill so easily
Inside the depths of my being
Yet everything we are together
As a whole
Leaves me feeling so sickly
I almost need to be
Hospitalized
Medicated inside the care of my Master's arms
Only His touch is healing

Each day that passes by
Every changing of the seasons
I grow to love you less and less
Then more and more
Depending on the shift of the wind
The current of electricity
Refuses to release its hold on me
Though I struggle to be
Set free
From the grip in the depth of its seas
I can't let go
Not yet at least...
Because not only am I holding you
I find continually that you won't let go of me

Relationships

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Relationships are hard.  I am a testament to that. You can be in your world thinking everything is fine, and walking around as happy as a lark, then BOOM!.  Suddenly, the person in the relationship with you blows up your spot, and that happy world you thought you were in turns dark.

A few months back I wrote a story about struggling with depression.  I wrote this because  I am married to someone who does, and I wanted to draw awareness to the seriousness of the condition.  Sometimes, for those who struggle with it, they unknowingly cause destructive situations for themselves and the ones they love.  This pattern of destruction is never intentional, even though it may feel like it, but it is something that, for them, is hard to control.  So for the person in the relationship with one who struggles with anxiety and depression, your level of strength has to be enough to carry both you and your partner during those times when they aren't strong enough to carry their own weight.

In the beginning everything is SO right.  You sign on to spending your time with someone you can't imagine a life without.  It all seems feasible, and if you decide to get married, "till death do us part," doesn't seem like enough time.

I remember years ago, when my husband and I first got married, we were driving into San Antonio from Dallas to honeymoon.  To this day, I can't tell you how we got started, but from the time we got into the car to head out, until we pulled into the parking lot at our hotel in San Antonio, we argued like cats and dogs.  I can't even remember why we were arguing, it just seemed like one argument led to another, and on that trip we had many.  I can tell you that the minute we stepped out of the car my husband told me, "Lets not argue any more. Lets just have fun," and we did.  We stayed out all night long doing everything we wanted and just enjoying each other's company.  It was one of the best times in my life.

I think it says something when couples argue and can't remember what they were arguing about, but then can turn around and tell you every detail of the good times they had together.  It is the good times that count the most. It has been 18 years since that day, and both me and my husband still laugh about our experience there in San Antonio, bonding together on a deeper level.

I'd like to say my husband and I are very passionate people. We are driven by it. It is the force behind many of our disagreements, but it is also the driving force behind what makes us work hard to achieve our goals. One of those goals was to always stay together no matter what; and absolutely NOT, under any circumstance, mention, or even consider the "D" word. Divorce.  It just wasn't going to be an option.

What a difference years can make though, as you go along in your marriage relationship.  All of those goals you set out to achieve in the beginning, and we had a lot more to add to the first one, dwindle over time when you add in kids, job stress, and the regular every day issues of life.

My husband was diagnosed with depression after many years into our marriage.  I had never before associated his outburst of anger with a chemical imbalance in the brain.  They didn't happen very often, as my husband was typically a man to make peace.  He was the one who could be found making the first move to apologize, or as others so often refer to it, "be the bigger person."

He was always overly concerned with how his words may affect someone, so he chose them wisely as a result.  This was the man I knew and fell in love with, but I have to admit, there were times in our relationship that I took advantage of his gift of peace making during the very few  disagreements he and I had. .

There is a saying that goes, "All relationships go through hell, but those that are real (meant to be) get through it."  Sometimes we may wonder, in the middle of our difficulties, if it is destined to be.  Some may even see a future together as bleak.  Things like a betrayal of trust,  financial troubles, the inability to communicate how you truly feel (irreconcilable differences), or physical abuse loot divorce documents in our nation's court system daily.  They are even, under certain circumstances, good reasons for couples to go their separate ways; most especially the last one. These things are building blocks which contribute to the wall already being built between the two people inside the relationship, and when there is a marriage between the two, especially one involving children, bringing the relationship to an end becomes all the more complicated.

So how does that wall in the relationship get misplaced and go up between the couple instead of around them?  The answer is simple... There were two people who entered the relationship when it started, and there are two people building on the wall together.  How you build is what makes the difference.

We allow more bricks to stack up when we refuse to deal with our true issues.  We allow them to mess up our way of thinking, our commitment to the other,  and compromise our values.  We try and solve these issues by buying into our comfort habits instead of facing the storm head on. For some, comfort habits can look like shopping your way into debt, and for others it may be turning to someone else and hoping they can medicate your troubles by helping you escape them inside the comfort of their arms.  These things are never the right answer to a temporary problem, but they can turn what's temporary into a permanent end.

My husband and I have dealt with many issues designed to break us apart, but yet we still remain.  Recently we celebrated 18 years of marriage on 9/12/2016, and I have to admit that it is only because we take it day-by-day.

 I don't feel that I can necessarily give advice on how to have a successful marriage, because I don't always have one.  I myself wonder sometimes what the future holds for me and my husband; when ten years ago, I would never have even considered the thought.  What I can say is, if you are with the one you know you are supposed to be with, and you've faced challenges that make you want to run, DON'T.  Pray to God for direction; fight as hard as you can, not only for yourself, but for your partner; stick around because things do change, and block out the advice of those who don't have your best interest at heart. In doing all of this though, you must also remember that you can't fight alone.  It takes both people in the relationship to win, and neither can give up on the other.

For those who are connected to someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, your fight is going to have to be even stronger, because there will be times where they will try to push you away on purpose, so build your muscles.  Some of those things are out of their control, and when its all said and done, they really don't mean for you to leave. Read your Bible. You'd be surprised how many scriptures hit on just what your going through.  Be the mental strength for the one you love during those times they are too weak to have strength on their own.  They need you; more in the bad times than in the good.

The Infamous Murderer

Apparently George Zimmerman is back in the news trying to cling to every last extended fifteen minutes of infamousy he can get.  According to witnesses, he had been in a restaurant with a friend bragging about being Trayvon Martin's killer.  When authorities were called, Zimmerman said that he had been attacked while having a conversation with another patron in the restaurant, but on further investigation, and witness testimony, he was actually heard giving the patron a compliment on his tattoos, and trying to gain recognition by saying, "I'm George Zimmerman, you know, the one who killed Trayvon Martin."

I don't know if he expected to get a high five for that, but what I do know is that another patron walked up, upon hearing him, and punched him in the face. Now it must be said that my first thought was, "that's what he gets!"  Then I thought again about my position as a Christian, which comes before anything in this world.  Christ teaches us to love our enemies, even to pray for them-which is an expression of love.  How hard it is though, to do something so simple for someone who seems so blatantly evil.

I can't say I'm at that point right now, but I can say I feel sorry for him...  What a pity to live life so consumed with the devil's emotions. It is what our TRUE enemy feeds off of (the devil of course- and you will not see me capitalize his name. EVER!), yet people buy into every day. HATE.

Motives, that's the key word.  So many judge the outward appearances, even outward actions as if those alone define the situation; but it is the motive, a condition of the heart, that is judged by God. This is where I believe George Zimmerman fails continuously.

Since making the news, and his first claim the infamousy back in 2012, there has been nothing but a string of negative coverage for this man. His brute temper has been exposed in a series of battery charges, one which caused his wife, who stood by him during his murder trial, to pack her bags and leave.

Does he truly feel that taking the life of an unarmed young man who was just approaching the prime of his life, and could have lead an amazing one full of promise, is a note worthy deed? If so, where do his motives lie?  What is the condition of his heart since there seems to be no conviction on the inside telling him what he did was wrong?  He walks around as if he's done the world a favor, and yet I wonder if it was his own son taken out, would he still feel the need to gloat?

Here-in lies the reason for my pity. It seems as though the condition of his heart is in much worse shape than his face must have been after the angry patron got through with him.  Many have used the term I'm about to express (about George Zimmerman), and often so loosely its almost cliche'. Still, it does not make it any less true...  He needs Jesus!

We The People...

As I write this, I have just learned of the death of Korryn Gaines, a 23 year old black woman shot and killed in front of her 5 year old son.  A son, who by the way, was shot as well during the rain of fire aimed at his mother sitting next to him. They claimed she was "holding him hostage," but the child was recorded saying that he did not want to go out there and face those officers.  So this mother, thinking that she was protecting her son, sat by his side with a shot gun in her lap and a cell phone in her hand.

The saddest part of the whole video was when she asked the young boy who was outside, and what they had come there to do.  In his small voice, you could hear him say that the police had, "come to kill us..."  Not that I agree with holding a gun and having a stand-off with law enforcement, because I DON'T, but a rational mind would beg to question why SWAT would be called out for traffic violations?  One would also have to wonder if these officers were taught during training to use deadly force while there is a child present?

This woman, who felt she was protecting her son, addressed the officers at her door by their title, and even calling them sir.  No disrespect was in her tone, yet the words you hear on that video are the last words she spoke before being killed by them.  I wonder if she felt that this would be her end?  It was said that she actually spent time, prior to her death, filming police brutality in her Baltimore neighborhood. Could that be another reason why SWAT was sent out in the first place?

WE THE PEOPLE, the ones who help/ed to build this nation are in a stand-off with the hired exterminators (and those who allow/support their actions by not speaking up) who pray on the powerless. But aren't we all really?  Powerless I mean, because the only side the law is on is their own. It is a modern-day Civil War under the guise as one of the world's greatest countries.

On September 27th, of 2011, Chad Chadwick, a Ft. Bend County Caucasian resident, and father, went home after having a few drinks, and fell asleep in his bathtub. A concerned friend called the Missouri City Police to go over and check on him.  Approximately 5 members of the city's SWAT unit were sent out instead.  They arrived, and without announcing their presence, kicked down his door, and entered his apartment without a warrant.  They found him sleeping in the tub, but instead of checking on him, they chose to pull him out naked and snap photos of his body.  After that initial humiliation, they proceeded to knock him to the ground and shoot him with a 40mm non lethal round (which if he was black would have been a SUPER lethal round). To add insult and more injury, they tazed him in the back of the head and beat him until he had permanent hearing loss.  This gentleman was then hauled off to jail with no known charges, and no prior record.  I can only imagine what they would have done to someone who had a record (RIP Alton Sterling)...

Not only had these officers wrecked Chad Chadwick's life with their violent unlawful acts, but they also tried to ruin his reputation by covering their tracks and saying he was holding hostages as the reason why they used such brute force.  I saw the video, there were no hostages.  These lies they told under oath, have put a barrier between he and his child, as he is being kept from performing his parental duty as her father because of the false charges on his record.

In Austin, TX Breaion King, an elementary school teacher, who so happens to be my sorority sister, and Black, was pulled over for a minor traffic incident by an Officer Bryan Richter.  Without provocation, I watched as his dashboard camera caught him pulling Ms. King from her car and slamming her into the ground; holding her there by what appeared to be a knee to her neck.  He then commenced to man handle her while drawing cuffs from his belt.  Pulling her up sharply by her arms, which were so far behind her, I was afraid they might break, he and his partner finished cuffing her together, and shoved her into the back of their cruiser.  She did not resist, or provoke the officer to produce this type of treatment.  Her only question as she was being carted off to jail was why.  Why was this happening to her?  In response, the officer posed a question right back to her, one as ignorant as his actions had just displayed.  He asked if she knew why people were so scared of Black people.  He then went on to answer his own question by saying that it was because Black people had "violent tendencies." Even though HE was the one who had just BEAT HER without reason or provocation.

Needless to say, all the charges against her were immediately dropped by the court, and a public apology was issued; not by officer Richter or his partner, but by the city's Chief of Police. Though I'm sure the memory of this experience, for her, will never disappear.

I thank God for the bold citizens who are willing to risk their own lives to film police brutality, and those dashboard cams that capture the corrupt actions of ones who should not be members of the systems law enforcement.  WE THE PEOPLE are at war, in hopes that one day our current system of injustice will be turned on its head and held accountable.  These amateur videos bring to light what has been long since looked over and even dismissed.

More power-hungry cops eager to flex their position, were recently caught on camera brutally beating a motorist in the middle of a busy street.  A passer-by noticed and took it upon himself to start filming the incident so that he may publish it on social media.  One of the officers noticed, and chose to cross that busy street so that he could take down the passer-by using his defense weapon. Now why would he do that if what he was doing were legal?

I'm not one to judge the whole group by the ignorant few.  As a Black woman living in America, I already know how it feels to be on the receiving end of someone's hatred simply for being different. It seems only skin color to be a curse in the mind of a fool.  A dog can be different, so can a horse, yet these animals are accepted as some of the most beloved pets by the very people who don't accept others because of the shade of their pigment.  A pigment that only runs 1/16th of an inch deep in skin. Yes, 1/16th of an inch separates us, but this same color in a dog, a horse, even a cat is of no consequence.

There was a woman, a Black woman, taken into custody for a first time minor shop lifting offense. What baffled me was not the crime, but the punishment.  She was sentenced to 75 days in jail and during her initial three day, while waiting to appear in court, had her pants taken away; totally unclothed from the waist down. To top that off the jailers refused to provide her with feminine products, and they escorted her into court this way.

The judge in this case was blown away, as anyone in their right mind should be.  Did this woman deserve to be stripped of her dignity and stand in front of a judge with a courtroom full of spectators because of a first offense with no previous record?  I think not! And neither did the judge. She called the jail where she was being held and asked how such a thing could be allowed.  She also reduced her sentenced to time served and gave her a credited $100 fine; saying in essence that it was absolutely ludicrous for them to give that woman such a lengthy sentence, and shame her in that way.  Would the story have been the same if the woman's skin was pale, eyes blue, hair blonde, and came from more income than those who reside in a trailer park?  You know the answer...

These things are not all happening in the past!  This is not 1964.  We are no longer in a Civil Rights Movement, yet things that happened then are still fresh on the screens of the nightly news. When will law enforcement honor the oaths they take?  When will the injustice system stand for justice?  Did you know citizens that you have a lawful right to resist unlawful arrest, even to the point of taking the life of the arresting officer?  DID YOU?  I'll bet that is a law that will never be told, you have to research it for yourself.  Check it out, its in the books.  Know your rights, you are a citizen, you have a right to be treated with dignity and respect, but without the knowledge of those rights, and an accountable system to back them up, we will continue to perish. WE THE PEOPLE have a right to know.

White Supremacy-A Message to the KKK

What is white supremacy?
Really?
Is it an insecurity complex rooted
So deeply
That the mind is watered down with
Foolish falsely educated idiocy?
Who gave you the right to reign supreme?
In the Bible it reads that there is only
One true Supreme Being
Are you, the created, attempting to take
The place of The Creator?
Well, that won't succeed
Just ask Lucifer, now called the devil
Yeah, you know the story,
And we all know where it leads...
Is there anyone, other than yourself, who said
You're better than me?
Just because we're created different
Doesn't mean
I don't meet the classified standard of beauty
Besides that, my value comes from a place
Rooted much deeper any way
Than what is plainly seen
I am part of a royal priesthood
Therefore called into royalty
And if you can't see your worth
Past being better than me
I can only move on, and shake you off
As the dust beneath my feet